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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Papillon bleudots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Outlaw
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 510/413/194
    Words: 12
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 730
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 80



    Description:
       I don't like the semi-colon, but without it the sentence structure requires an "is" which breaks the whole haiku thing. butterfly wings and fragile heart are indispensable. tell me if you can think of a better formulation. I feel like an entire series could be made using the image of butterfly wings.

    are butterfly wings
    liberated when Pride let's
    go, and flies away?

    my only gripe would be that they're too easy.

    butterfly wings are
    often lost in the midst of
    bed linens and dreams

    definitely too easy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPapillon bleudots
    -------------------------------------------


    the only way to
    cradle a butterfly’s wings;
    with a fragile heart




    Submitted on 2011-06-27 15:00:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Treacherous , torrid
    are the butterfly's wing's hues
    to the dreamer's mind
    | Posted on 2011-06-30 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]
      butterfly wings caught
    with a whisper on these lips
    that have been long dead
    | Posted on 2011-06-29 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      seems necessary or else it sounds like the wings have a fragile heart...

    how about a dash...? that would give pause enough, that the last part wouldn't be read as part of the second line.

    just thoughts

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-06-27 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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