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Papillon bleu


Author: Outlaw
Elite Ratio:    8 - 514 /417 /196
Words: 12
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1707
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 85



Description:


I don't like the semi-colon, but without it the sentence structure requires an "is" which breaks the whole haiku thing. butterfly wings and fragile heart are indispensable. tell me if you can think of a better formulation. I feel like an entire series could be made using the image of butterfly wings.

are butterfly wings
liberated when Pride let's
go, and flies away?

my only gripe would be that they're too easy.

butterfly wings are
often lost in the midst of
bed linens and dreams

definitely too easy.


Papillon bleu



the only way to
cradle a butterfly’s wings;
with a fragile heart




Submitted on 2011-06-27 15:00:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Treacherous , torrid
are the butterfly's wing's hues
to the dreamer's mind
| Posted on 2011-06-30 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]
  butterfly wings caught
with a whisper on these lips
that have been long dead
| Posted on 2011-06-29 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  seems necessary or else it sounds like the wings have a fragile heart...

how about a dash...? that would give pause enough, that the last part wouldn't be read as part of the second line.

just thoughts

jacob
| Posted on 2011-06-27 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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