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    dots Submission Name: Hash...dots

    Author: Kaddish
    Elite Ratio:    5.42 - 53/41/18
    Words: 89
    Class/Type: Poetry/What is
    Total Views: 658
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 605


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    Day and night, you were smoking cancer
    Your throbbing voice sounded like coming
    From inside a deep cave.

    Skinny like a ghost, a featherless bird,
    A hazy image knotted
    In the mesh of someones heart strings
    Still working hard in the late night shifts
    And lighting up cigs thereafter
    Slapping little chocolates on palms of your kids.

    Your life rolled on like a slow moving oldie
    Combined with that subtle papery laughter
    That your friends often mistook for
    A bunch of snapping twigs.

    Submitted on 2011-06-29 12:39:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Nicely done. This was quite pleasant. I enjoyed the imagery especially as to this line "Your life rolled on like a slow moving oldie"

    Your write sort of reminded me of part of a book I'm currently reading called "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand. One old man that owns a little shop says this to a passing business woman:

    "I like cigars Miss Taggart. I like to think of fire held in a man's hand. Fire, a dangerous force, tamed at his fingertips. I often wonder about the hours when a man sits alone, watching the smoke of a cigarette, thinking. I wonder what great things have come from such hours. When a man thinks, there's a spot of fire alive in his mind-and it is proper that he should have the burning point of a cigarette as his one expression"

    As to your write I do think there are some things that could be enhanced. I'll give you some small suggestions that may come in handy if you ever want to do a re-write.

    The last two lines of the first stanza, for instance, could be improved as follows:

    "Day and night, you were smoking cancer
    Your throbbing voice sounded rough/distant/far away/muffled
    like coming from inside a deep cave"

    The second stanza appears to be neat and clean.

    As for the third one you could try something like this:

    "Your life rolled on like a slow moving oldie
    Combined with that subtle papery laughter
    That your friends often confused
    and mistook for a bunch of snapping twigs"

    This is only my opinion though.

    Take care and welcome to Elite Skills,

    Ethan Brody
    | Posted on 2011-06-30 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]

    wow, i really like how this gains momentum in tone, content, everything about it...

    and the last stanza is terrific stuff...that one blew me away..i just had to immediately reread it...

    there is resignation here, a bit of sadness...but an acceptance that the person this is about is how he or she is...no changing them..no matter how many warnings...they just keep puffing away at cigs and at life...and we love 'em!

    | Posted on 2011-06-29 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

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