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A golden Watch ticks beside my crippled bed
A solace dims the air
Fading memories drown my head
Bitter tears of washed out youth
A lone rose at the rim of bereavement
A shaking life shuttering in twinge
Giving in to an ineffectual fate
Quietly falling from his high horse
Too a timber sachet
A watch hangs from my timber tomb
Mocking my own clock
Seconds echo like thunder
And hours hover like clouds
Comatose drags me under
I cower inside my broken shroud
| "A lone rose at the rim of bereavement"|
Thats the best line in this write, in my opinion anyways.
I like this but maybe add a bit more (1 or 2 lines) about the slowness of time early in the write. Like before the line I mentioned above.
I feel it would link the write together better, but thats just my opinion. I tend use to much repetion.
Also you have "timber" describing two different things in very close proximity. I am not sure if you are trying to link those two things together or just being a little bit heavy handed with "timber".
A nice write that seems like it could be refined.
Keep it up.
|| Posted on 2011-07-04 00:00:00 | by snacky fish | [ Reply to This ] |