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    dots Submission Name: Golden Watchdots

    Author: lone_one
    ASL Info:    22/male/alpine-san diego
    Elite Ratio:    3.9 - 64/53/21
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 657
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 633

       Have at it, an old piece of mine.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGolden Watchdots

    A golden Watch ticks beside my crippled bed
    A solace dims the air
    Fading memories drown my head
    Bitter tears of washed out youth
    A lone rose at the rim of bereavement
    A shaking life shuttering in twinge
    Giving in to an ineffectual fate
    Lent forgotten
    Quietly falling from his high horse
    Too a timber sachet
    A watch hangs from my timber tomb
    Mocking my own clock
    Seconds echo like thunder
    And hours hover like clouds
    Comatose drags me under
    I cower inside my broken shroud
    And drift

    Submitted on 2011-07-04 00:59:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      "A lone rose at the rim of bereavement"

    Thats the best line in this write, in my opinion anyways.

    I like this but maybe add a bit more (1 or 2 lines) about the slowness of time early in the write. Like before the line I mentioned above.

    I feel it would link the write together better, but thats just my opinion. I tend use to much repetion.

    Also you have "timber" describing two different things in very close proximity. I am not sure if you are trying to link those two things together or just being a little bit heavy handed with "timber".

    A nice write that seems like it could be refined.
    Keep it up.
    | Posted on 2011-07-04 00:00:00 | by snacky fish | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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