Golden Watch

Author: lone_one ASL Info:    22/male/alpine-san diego Elite Ratio:    3.9 - 64 /53 /21 Words: 94

Class/Type: Poetry /Death Total Views: 904 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 633

Description:

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Golden Watch

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A golden Watch ticks beside my crippled bed A solace dims the air Fading memories drown my head Bitter tears of washed out youth A lone rose at the rim of bereavement A shaking life shuttering in twinge Giving in to an ineffectual fate Lent forgotten Quietly falling from his high horse Too a timber sachet A watch hangs from my timber tomb Clicking... Mocking my own clock Seconds echo like thunder And hours hover like clouds Comatose drags me under I cower inside my broken shroud And drift Departing

Submitted on 2011-07-04 00:59:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

"A lone rose at the rim of bereavement" Thats the best line in this write, in my opinion anyways. I like this but maybe add a bit more (1 or 2 lines) about the slowness of time early in the write. Like before the line I mentioned above. I feel it would link the write together better, but thats just my opinion. I tend use to much repetion. Also you have "timber" describing two different things in very close proximity. I am not sure if you are trying to link those two things together or just being a little bit heavy handed with "timber". A nice write that seems like it could be refined. Keep it up.

| Posted on 2011-07-04 00:00:00 | by snacky fish | [ Reply to This ]

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