Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Golden Watchdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lone_one
    ASL Info:    22/male/alpine-san diego
    Elite Ratio:    3.9 - 64/53/21
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 657
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 633



    Description:
       Have at it, an old piece of mine.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGolden Watchdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A golden Watch ticks beside my crippled bed
    A solace dims the air
    Fading memories drown my head
    Bitter tears of washed out youth
    A lone rose at the rim of bereavement
    A shaking life shuttering in twinge
    Giving in to an ineffectual fate
    Lent forgotten
    Quietly falling from his high horse
    Too a timber sachet
    A watch hangs from my timber tomb
    Clicking...
    Mocking my own clock
    Seconds echo like thunder
    And hours hover like clouds
    Comatose drags me under
    I cower inside my broken shroud
    And drift
    Departing




    Submitted on 2011-07-04 00:59:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "A lone rose at the rim of bereavement"

    Thats the best line in this write, in my opinion anyways.

    I like this but maybe add a bit more (1 or 2 lines) about the slowness of time early in the write. Like before the line I mentioned above.

    I feel it would link the write together better, but thats just my opinion. I tend use to much repetion.

    Also you have "timber" describing two different things in very close proximity. I am not sure if you are trying to link those two things together or just being a little bit heavy handed with "timber".

    A nice write that seems like it could be refined.
    Keep it up.
    | Posted on 2011-07-04 00:00:00 | by snacky fish | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    191570

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry