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Golden Watch

Author: lone_one
ASL Info:    22/male/alpine-san diego
Elite Ratio:    3.9 - 64 /53 /21
Words: 94
Class/Type: Poetry /Death
Total Views: 904
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 633


Have at it, an old piece of mine.

Golden Watch

A golden Watch ticks beside my crippled bed
A solace dims the air
Fading memories drown my head
Bitter tears of washed out youth
A lone rose at the rim of bereavement
A shaking life shuttering in twinge
Giving in to an ineffectual fate
Lent forgotten
Quietly falling from his high horse
Too a timber sachet
A watch hangs from my timber tomb
Mocking my own clock
Seconds echo like thunder
And hours hover like clouds
Comatose drags me under
I cower inside my broken shroud
And drift

Submitted on 2011-07-04 00:59:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  "A lone rose at the rim of bereavement"

Thats the best line in this write, in my opinion anyways.

I like this but maybe add a bit more (1 or 2 lines) about the slowness of time early in the write. Like before the line I mentioned above.

I feel it would link the write together better, but thats just my opinion. I tend use to much repetion.

Also you have "timber" describing two different things in very close proximity. I am not sure if you are trying to link those two things together or just being a little bit heavy handed with "timber".

A nice write that seems like it could be refined.
Keep it up.
| Posted on 2011-07-04 00:00:00 | by snacky fish | [ Reply to This ]

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