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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Phaser Trancedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Astarael
    ASL Info:    18/Girl/Baltimore
    Elite Ratio:    5.29 - 79/84/28
    Words: 125
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 306
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 796



    Description:
       I fell into this trance. And it was like I was caught in photographs. Snapshots of the past. And there was music playing.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPhaser Trancedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Months pass
    And the days we spent together
    So far away in my mind.
    Out of touch, out of sight.

    "Anything you want," your card said.
    You gave me a vibe.
    I felt some kind of connection
    Out in the cold...wherever you are.

    I remember when I met you
    In a dingy apartment in Brazil.
    Take me back to the moments caught
    In those snapshots

    When the music sounded like something
    From a sci-fi movie that we saw at a drive-in
    And it played so slowly
    So hauntingly in my mind

    Inducing a wonderous stupor upon myself
    What did I want?
    What do I want?
    I want to meet you again.

    Your phaser rays still hold me in a trance.




    Submitted on 2004-07-29 23:25:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I could comment on the people who don't understand the liberty poetry affords writers in subject matter AND form (but I won't). Instead I'll remark that I found the sentiments in this piece refreshingly straightforward (with just a hint of mystery in the word choice to keep the concept fresh). This is excellent, by the way; beautifully done in every way (must be some kind of love to freeze you in time). Take care. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-02-01 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      i don't think i get this poem. thi really liked the second stanza though. ah! i just don't know what's going on, and i think that's what makes me like it
    | Posted on 2004-07-30 00:00:00 | by Kalidoscopeeyes | [ Reply to This ]
      Is this poetry or a cluster of sentence fragments. I'm not saying poetry has to ryhme, or do anything really, but at some point you have to ask yourself...okay what is this I have written? And if not a cluster of sentence fragments, how would it differ from this if it were?

    Suggestions for Perfection:

    1) Work on poem structure. By this I mean some type of uniform association, whether it be 4 lines in every stanza, same style of fragmentation. something.

    Whether this advice is taken or not, good luck in all you write!

    Peace,
    Kam
    | Posted on 2004-07-29 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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