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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Choresdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 152
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 396
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 926



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsChoresdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I flow and pass on to a new dawn
    a new day
    dusk won't fight me tomorrow as I
    post my eyelids up and sucker punch my yawning in the throat
    we won't
    sleep
    won't rest till this starts growing
    won't stop planting
    wont stop praising the glory of life
    and still
    we cant
    be still

    I wondered what kind of wonderful life I would be living if I had never known what it was like to not be satisfied ever went one day without the poison on tv
    the thrills of some smuck walking ahead of me
    talking about this and yadda that
    can't control what I see here and now
    that bothers me and unplugs fury
    that semms to fuel the fire that obscures the message
    I won't recharge that message

    Sweep it underneath the rug
    and stomp on it three times before I am done




    Submitted on 2011-07-12 16:15:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Edit doesn't seem t be working, so I'll just add that I like the title a lot. The first stanza is literally about a chore, and the second is about a way of avoiding work that becomes a chore in its own right.
    | Posted on 2011-07-12 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      The first stanza seems like a separate poem to the second and third, but that's not a bad thing. However, one seems like a modern negation of the first idea, so it works.

    dusk won't fight me tomorrow as I
    post my eyelids up and sucker punch my yawning in the throat

    I love that. It reminds me of the detective writer Raymond Chandler. ("That blonde was a pleasant as a split lip.")

    The second stanza has so much truth. Tv is poison. It's slowly rotting my brain. I'm getting so lazy lately and just vegging out in front of it. I've got to stop it. There are a couple of typos in the second stanza too, but that's easily fixed and no big deal. I like how you used the same word twice at the end of the first tow stanzas too.

    Nicely done,
    Amy
    | Posted on 2011-07-12 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]


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