Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: unlyricaldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: vedanta19
    Elite Ratio:    3.28 - 503/510/143
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 541
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 839



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsunlyricaldots
    -------------------------------------------


    lone,
    crosslegged, hands clasped together
    on
    a dark, rain-drenched sombre noon;

    busy birds chirp rarely now,
    pavements crowded with crow-dressed umbrellas;

    a stray moment,
    revisits,
    when i watched you go;

    naive,
    was always me, where
    mistook your confusion
    for love;

    erroneous,
    but you are so missed,
    when
    in some rare moments
    you showed care;

    forgetting,
    those rebellious tears,
    and
    often missing,
    when idiocracy adored by hasty hopes;

    where,
    may i ask did i go wrong,
    baring my heart
    on a wrinkled sleeve?!

    regret

    life,
    lived in such unlyrical
    symphony.




    Submitted on 2011-07-17 15:30:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      did you mean "erroneous"?

    i like this..kind of agree with santi...some really good images and language mixed with some that could be stronger...the fifth stanza leaves me a little flat...and takes away from the momentum of the piece...but then the last four lines are so powerful...more of that compacted into a short piece might be something to think about.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-07-18 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      
    I think that this has a lot of potential. It has both good progression & intent, setting the mood quite well. What disrupts this is not the plain-speech you use, which is something I rather enjoy in poetry, but the somewhat commonplace imagery. "alone,/i sat near a window one rainy noon," for example, is rather drab. However, "busy birds chirp rarely now,/pavements crowd with crow-dressed umbrellas" is excellent, making the previous lines even more lacking while making me realize that you have a talent for unique observations.

    I also enjoyed the twist with "baring my heart/on a wrinkled sleeve?!". The ending provides a good close, recalling the mix of quite birds & dominating crows that you opened with. I guess I'm saying, go with more of that stuff consistently throughout the write. You have a great framework & good start on really defining that framework. I'd like to see what more you could do with these feelings & emotions.
    | Posted on 2011-07-17 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    191695

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    Push written by JanePlane
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Every..... written by jackz
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    Bond written by saartha
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    One Day written by WriteSomething
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry