[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: unlyricaldots

    Author: vedanta19
    Elite Ratio:    3.28 - 503/510/143
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 524
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 839


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    crosslegged, hands clasped together
    a dark, rain-drenched sombre noon;

    busy birds chirp rarely now,
    pavements crowded with crow-dressed umbrellas;

    a stray moment,
    when i watched you go;

    was always me, where
    mistook your confusion
    for love;

    but you are so missed,
    in some rare moments
    you showed care;

    those rebellious tears,
    often missing,
    when idiocracy adored by hasty hopes;

    may i ask did i go wrong,
    baring my heart
    on a wrinkled sleeve?!


    lived in such unlyrical

    Submitted on 2011-07-17 15:30:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      did you mean "erroneous"?

    i like this..kind of agree with santi...some really good images and language mixed with some that could be stronger...the fifth stanza leaves me a little flat...and takes away from the momentum of the piece...but then the last four lines are so powerful...more of that compacted into a short piece might be something to think about.

    | Posted on 2011-07-18 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
    I think that this has a lot of potential. It has both good progression & intent, setting the mood quite well. What disrupts this is not the plain-speech you use, which is something I rather enjoy in poetry, but the somewhat commonplace imagery. "alone,/i sat near a window one rainy noon," for example, is rather drab. However, "busy birds chirp rarely now,/pavements crowd with crow-dressed umbrellas" is excellent, making the previous lines even more lacking while making me realize that you have a talent for unique observations.

    I also enjoyed the twist with "baring my heart/on a wrinkled sleeve?!". The ending provides a good close, recalling the mix of quite birds & dominating crows that you opened with. I guess I'm saying, go with more of that stuff consistently throughout the write. You have a great framework & good start on really defining that framework. I'd like to see what more you could do with these feelings & emotions.
    | Posted on 2011-07-17 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Formal Jen written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    a mood to be free written by Daniel Barlow
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Records I written by Raphael
    Yes written by poetotoe
    Every..... written by jackz
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Love written by saartha
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Fasade written by jackz
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    the testing of hypotheses written by Daniel Barlow
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Cover written by saartha
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]