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    dots Submission Name: unlyricaldots

    Author: vedanta19
    Elite Ratio:    3.28 - 503/510/143
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 541
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 839


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    crosslegged, hands clasped together
    a dark, rain-drenched sombre noon;

    busy birds chirp rarely now,
    pavements crowded with crow-dressed umbrellas;

    a stray moment,
    when i watched you go;

    was always me, where
    mistook your confusion
    for love;

    but you are so missed,
    in some rare moments
    you showed care;

    those rebellious tears,
    often missing,
    when idiocracy adored by hasty hopes;

    may i ask did i go wrong,
    baring my heart
    on a wrinkled sleeve?!


    lived in such unlyrical

    Submitted on 2011-07-17 15:30:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      did you mean "erroneous"?

    i like this..kind of agree with santi...some really good images and language mixed with some that could be stronger...the fifth stanza leaves me a little flat...and takes away from the momentum of the piece...but then the last four lines are so powerful...more of that compacted into a short piece might be something to think about.

    | Posted on 2011-07-18 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
    I think that this has a lot of potential. It has both good progression & intent, setting the mood quite well. What disrupts this is not the plain-speech you use, which is something I rather enjoy in poetry, but the somewhat commonplace imagery. "alone,/i sat near a window one rainy noon," for example, is rather drab. However, "busy birds chirp rarely now,/pavements crowd with crow-dressed umbrellas" is excellent, making the previous lines even more lacking while making me realize that you have a talent for unique observations.

    I also enjoyed the twist with "baring my heart/on a wrinkled sleeve?!". The ending provides a good close, recalling the mix of quite birds & dominating crows that you opened with. I guess I'm saying, go with more of that stuff consistently throughout the write. You have a great framework & good start on really defining that framework. I'd like to see what more you could do with these feelings & emotions.
    | Posted on 2011-07-17 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]

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