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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Never Lostdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: RequiemOfDreams
    ASL Info:    20/M/NJ
    Elite Ratio:    3.5 - 97/140/38
    Words: 154
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 547
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1064



    Description:
       Its been a long ass time since I submitted anything here, please comment. Please read it at least twice as you should any poetry before commenting.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNever Lostdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Everyday I imagine my death
    A cold and boiling voice amongst the soup
    Ever waiting my release, anticipating
    Always reminding, recurring
    Poor work and no vision, a fuzz'd frame

    Anticipating a long life yet short sighted
    I am still here, she says
    Dusk brings nightmares
    I am still awake, I know
    And I work against me
    I seek shelter

    Strength sapped from worry
    A personal haunt, deep dark personal distress
    Released slow, cool blood masks the heat
    Enraged, a being, intense and focused
    In cages of flimsy desires

    I am still here, he wonders
    Warnings, long gone, have failed
    A broken promise stays the execution
    A day has passed, I listen patiently...
    almost daring for the day to come
    Long has it passed, I worry

    Dawn brings new forces
    Am I still here, I wonder.
    Never forgiving, I am
    Never wondering
    Never lost

    Was I ever more free?




    Submitted on 2011-07-19 02:05:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    2: I dunno...
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    ||| Comments |||
      And what would you like me to say? "Amazing!" "I totally understand what this is about!"
    And why must I see the author's intended meaning in order to write a response?

    Honestly:

    It has good phrasing.
    But it can't hold me to it. The structure of the poem is...whatever...your every day structure, but the content is just, it seems. It doesn't offer much.
    You may have thought that this was the best poem ever when you wrote it, and it might be. It have the most meaningful purpose, the most intricate themes ever created; but I don't see it.

    I see what I see and it hardly held my attention through the end of the poem.

    I get overall feelings, despair, urgency, etc. I get little glimpses of imagery now and then, that don't piece together very at spots.

    It just seems like you're giving us too much information, leaving nothing to the reader. You're telling this story, straight from a point of intended meaning. Then you imploy me to go back and find the meaning differently than what I previously offered you......

    It's not bad but nothing really grabs at me in any way.


    Matt
    | Posted on 2011-09-05 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]
      I took your advice and read this a second time. I must say it does really look better the second time around. I like the different viewpoints used and the slow rhythm of this piece. Keep writing!
    | Posted on 2011-07-19 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      Ah, very relatable.
    This is a good poem, I liked it.
    The piece wasn't too flashy in it's context neither it's structure, but it held good meaning and had a nice flow.

    I especially like the use of "she wonders" "he wonders" and "I wonder" as to convey a certain struggle, shared between more than one person.
    | Posted on 2011-07-19 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]


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    191706

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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