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    dots Submission Name: Musedots

    Author: b_v_grant
    ASL Info:    23/M/Jamaica
    Elite Ratio:    3.27 - 125/118/69
    Words: 152
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 661
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 938

       I wrote this as apart of a paper that I needed for my Composition class.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Broken, dejected, and lonely resulted in her tears
    Trapped in her heart though she wanders outside
    Life isn't what it used to be, an acknowledged fact
    But after all there is life and she's grateful.

    She sees the world though through tainted eyes
    As couples go by who might soon share her own fate
    She yearns to say to them enjoy it while it lasts
    But the words burn in her mouth because it's such cruelty.

    Who am I? why do I feel this way? She asks
    While holding a picture of the possible cause in her hands
    Illustrated on their faces were the smiles of the happiness once felt
    But no more since he left.

    Gray skies now lingers above the roofs where love was once present
    While every room reveals haunting memories
    For her this house once portrayed life in context
    But now has lost its meaning.

    Submitted on 2011-07-19 23:05:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Liked this, feels like it needs to be trimmed down considerably, the meaning is in there but I feel it is overshadowed by a cloud of other smaller redundant meanings, if that makes sense, I enjoy the theme but it feels like it drifts apart and is struggled to be held together, like instead of building and exploding it feels like it builds and tries to keep hold of that which has been built instead of unleashing the power..

    If that makes sense..
    | Posted on 2011-07-21 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      parts of this i like...but would like to see it tightened up quite a bit...there is so much wordiness...and maybe work on fresher phrasing...many of the lines in here are a bit overused in writing...
    the third stanza is innovative in its imagery...really like that one a lot.

    with some reworking i think this piece could really have some punch.

    | Posted on 2011-07-20 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the simplicity and honesty in this. I don't like this line at all though: "She sees the world though through tainted eyes" I think you should really replace the word though, it looks so awful just before the word through. She sees the world through dark, tainted eyes, sounds so much better...
    | Posted on 2011-07-20 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]

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