Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ~ I Bleach The Nightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Bloodstone
    ASL Info:    3.4/ ink/ Asylum empire
    Elite Ratio:    3.31 - 108/138/121
    Words: 157
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 657
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 931



    Description:
       Death will not get you any closer to Heaven...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots~ I Bleach The Nightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    To descend among
    And summon
    Yet so out of sight
    Its hard to believe
    Just canít do anything right.

    What good are you
    If passion is absent in your eyes?
    Not to even promise- in fear of
    not hurting you.
    Out, in, gone
    Vanished, right through the sands of time.

    Smuggle now
    Because they are rapidly
    taking our rights away.
    To think, free to do as pleased
    No tolerance- not pleased with you.
    Youíll pay the price.

    Were you missed Guided?
    What fool you are
    For not following your own path.
    Do not rest on expectation
    Plant your morals in stone.
    Rooted in the sea, destine for the stars.

    { What most needs to be said, are the things we hate. Not knowing that what we hurt, is very sincere. Loves us, and is very close to our heart.}




    Submitted on 2011-07-28 22:50:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like the pause that the last line creates over the first stanza,
    leaves the reader waiting for the next turn

    Were you missed Guided?
    What fool you are
    For not following your own path.
    Do not rest on expectation
    Plant your morals in stone.
    Rooted in the sea, destine for the stars.

    I think there is a lot in this stanza, at least for me. The first line is so brutally honest and suggestive, strong.

    Also planting morals in stone, rooted in sea, destined for starts, all seems a little contradictory. But I must have missed it. You are calling someone out and more or less demanding or correcting the issue you have seen, do not rest on expectation, then are going on to give example of this foolish behavior with metaphor? Efforts are lost in stone, drowning in the sea, perhaps burning out towards the stars. And I think that the stars part could be more elaboration on expectation. I do like this, it was interesting to read, I love it when I am provoked to take a closer look like this.

    Thanks for sharing,

    :)

    JAzmine
    | Posted on 2011-08-01 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not sure about the transistion of the stanzas. It seems as if each stanza sits on it's own as one individual concept, and all of them are wrapped around this one theme. I guess that works.

    I read the description, and I read the poem again, and I really just can't put my finger on this one. Maybe it's too early.

    Well, there seems to be this theme about judging, like the narrator is judging the reader. In these hurried tones, as in to get us moving.
    | Posted on 2011-07-29 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]
      A lot of good thoughts here. I like the play on missed Guided. The rhyme in the first stanza seems forced which thankfully didn't repeat later but it stopped me briefly to wonder what I was getting myself into. Nonetheless I like what you did.
    | Posted on 2011-07-28 00:00:00 | by my shadow | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    191880

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Linger written by saartha
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    The Promise written by annie0888
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    This written by Chelebel
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Giving written by jjd
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Bond written by saartha
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry