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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Droned to Deathdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rubie
    Elite Ratio:    7.03 - 177/68/17
    Words: 78
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 615
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 602



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDroned to Deathdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Droned to Death

    incessantly trudging
    wordlessly enduring
    tearless cries of mechanized man

    once upon this manufactured life
    somewhere back in time
    we sparkled with verve
    took drinks from enthusiasm's waters and
    ate from animation's plate
    while we grew our spirit in gumption's forest

    stolen moments from those times
    are all that remain
    just long enough to remind us
    that passion is not produced on an assembly line
    and love does not march in automation's parade




    Submitted on 2011-07-30 11:46:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Quite a brilliant piece. Mechanical lives, processed feelings... all about as real as the food we eat out of those little cardboard boxes. As of late I'm very bored/disillusioned with mankind, with social etiquettes, with all things. This piece wrote my heart.
    | Posted on 2011-08-13 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      once upon this manufactured life
    somewhere back in time
    we sparkled with verve
    took drinks from enthusiasm's waters and
    ate from animation's plate
    while we grew our spirit in gumption's forest

    This is very enchanting and kinda magical, this was written beautifully. Going into my favorites.

    Althea~
    | Posted on 2011-08-02 00:00:00 | by AltheaLaochra | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm going to say that I liked this. I really like the theme of this manufactured life. "Droned to death" I guess it sounds oddly like "Drowned to death" where you replaced the words obviously, to invoke this theme.

    And it's all true, we industrialize everything, all that glitters is steel; and sometimes it even has you questioning, "what's real?"

    My favorite line, one of the most clever lines I've read, and I honestly mean that when I say it, like seriously I laughed and smiled when I saw it and I might favorite this piece just for the line, which is:

    "Once upon this manufactured life"

    Ah, so very clever.
    It's like story-booking this life, to make it, not just a construct of man made industry, but almost as if it were being written or recorded, as a fairy tale.
    I really can't explain it as much as it impacted me, but I hope you kind of get what I was getting at :/

    I think what this piece needs, is a little more "explosions" and more.....gripping...imagery. Instead of telling us, bring us there.

    But we know what love is, and very few actually remember. We know that cars, ipods, entertainment of any form can't replace love. All those things only exist to keep us complacent. What keeps us truly happy are the things you can't put a price tag on :)

    Matt
    | Posted on 2011-07-31 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]
      this is not an abstract piece...but don't feel it needs to be..i think the imagery works really well in this...and there are many good phrases used that show in an eloquent way...

    and in contrast to the first review...although i know we all see things differently...i felt this piece made me ponder the state of society..this is more of cry to get back to how it used to be...rather than a surrealistic painting ....yes, poetry that is abstract and just hints is good, but sometimes being more forthright can work also...the images are not cliché at all in this...

    it grabbed me.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-07-30 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I'll be honest, I thought this could have been better, I certainly didn't hate it, but I think you could rework this. I like the concept etc, but I feel like you just came out and said it . . .

    It could be just me. I really like poems to be obscure, the harder to grasp the better. But I do think you should consider how to . . . reassemble this piece. How to get at what you want to get at without actually telling us what it is in so many words.

    Your meaning's too clear, and I find when it's too clear, the piece becomes increasingly more boring, no matter how well put together your words are.

    Hope that makes sense . . .

    | Posted on 2011-07-30 00:00:00 | by Keiran | [ Reply to This ]


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