[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Odette (edited)dots

    Author: only_a_dreamX
    ASL Info:    22/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    3.77 - 90/88/81
    Words: 352
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 639
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1780


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOdette (edited)dots

    Bubbles in the bath swirl like clouds
    In a sorrowful sky
    While a lady scrubs out the ugly remains
    Of a day
    To no avail.
    She wants to disappear a spell
    And unplugs the drain.
    She shuts her eyes and submerges,
    Starts to melt 'til she converges
    With the soapy water.
    Her hand --
    The one part
    Yet to be liquid
    Guides her matter to the drain.
    She spins down with
    The tiny tornado.
    ...The lady sleeps a night and day...
    Beneath the waves,
    Her particles travel,
    Transforming, as
    They drift
    Through sewage, sand, disarray,
    She sleeps a night and day.
    When she's solid, she awakes,
    Swiftly swimming up until
    Surface breaks;
    Water sprays.
    Now she floats above.
    Lady cranes her graceful neck
    To glimpse reflections
    In a lake.
    Pristine, white feathers catch
    Her gaze, and she
    Peeks at an orange beak,
    Stares at a halved heart,
    Blackened eyes.
    She hears the rising Moon sigh.
    "Hello, Odette, my maiden swan.
    Darling, it's been far too long."
    The swan looks up,
    Grants a nod,
    Then turns her face away.
    She skims
    The shimmering waters,
    Lake and Moon accompany
    Into the night
    'Til distant Sun calls her home;
    Moon permits her to return.
    But swan ignores the moon and sun.
    Tonight, she'll sleep upon the shore.
    And in the morning,
    She will roam.

    Submitted on 2011-07-30 13:50:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      much much inprovenment
    from the 1'st poems jump

    can't say that its forced
    its all how the viewer
    approces the words .

    my PN [personal note]

    its kinda like a flowing maze, a weird LSD trip

    good jump - i think the poem landed on its feet

    | Posted on 2011-08-03 00:00:00 | by Bloodstone | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good writing. The only thing I felt uncomfortable with is the rhyming in the middle with astray, disarray and day. Seems a bit much and forced. Maybe better to drop astray altogether.
    | Posted on 2011-07-31 00:00:00 | by my shadow | [ Reply to This ]
      This was written very well. The flow and imagery was fantastic. I especially like how you took an old fairy tale and made it your own. Kudos.

    Keep up the good work and I'll keep reading.

    | Posted on 2011-07-30 00:00:00 | by MinervaBlu | [ Reply to This ]
      the broken up lines at the end work well...

    seems more concise to me now...
    | Posted on 2011-07-30 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Push written by JanePlane
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    Fasade written by jackz
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Summer written by layDsayD
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Etiquette written by saartha
    AI written by poetotoe
    Shi written by ShyOne
    written by Daniel Barlow
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Every..... written by jackz
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    True Death written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]