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    dots Submission Name: Odette (edited)dots

    Author: only_a_dreamX
    ASL Info:    22/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    3.77 - 90/88/81
    Words: 352
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 697
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1780


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOdette (edited)dots

    Bubbles in the bath swirl like clouds
    In a sorrowful sky
    While a lady scrubs out the ugly remains
    Of a day
    To no avail.
    She wants to disappear a spell
    And unplugs the drain.
    She shuts her eyes and submerges,
    Starts to melt 'til she converges
    With the soapy water.
    Her hand --
    The one part
    Yet to be liquid
    Guides her matter to the drain.
    She spins down with
    The tiny tornado.
    ...The lady sleeps a night and day...
    Beneath the waves,
    Her particles travel,
    Transforming, as
    They drift
    Through sewage, sand, disarray,
    She sleeps a night and day.
    When she's solid, she awakes,
    Swiftly swimming up until
    Surface breaks;
    Water sprays.
    Now she floats above.
    Lady cranes her graceful neck
    To glimpse reflections
    In a lake.
    Pristine, white feathers catch
    Her gaze, and she
    Peeks at an orange beak,
    Stares at a halved heart,
    Blackened eyes.
    She hears the rising Moon sigh.
    "Hello, Odette, my maiden swan.
    Darling, it's been far too long."
    The swan looks up,
    Grants a nod,
    Then turns her face away.
    She skims
    The shimmering waters,
    Lake and Moon accompany
    Into the night
    'Til distant Sun calls her home;
    Moon permits her to return.
    But swan ignores the moon and sun.
    Tonight, she'll sleep upon the shore.
    And in the morning,
    She will roam.

    Submitted on 2011-07-30 13:50:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      much much inprovenment
    from the 1'st poems jump

    can't say that its forced
    its all how the viewer
    approces the words .

    my PN [personal note]

    its kinda like a flowing maze, a weird LSD trip

    good jump - i think the poem landed on its feet

    | Posted on 2011-08-03 00:00:00 | by Bloodstone | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good writing. The only thing I felt uncomfortable with is the rhyming in the middle with astray, disarray and day. Seems a bit much and forced. Maybe better to drop astray altogether.
    | Posted on 2011-07-31 00:00:00 | by my shadow | [ Reply to This ]
      This was written very well. The flow and imagery was fantastic. I especially like how you took an old fairy tale and made it your own. Kudos.

    Keep up the good work and I'll keep reading.

    | Posted on 2011-07-30 00:00:00 | by MinervaBlu | [ Reply to This ]
      the broken up lines at the end work well...

    seems more concise to me now...
    | Posted on 2011-07-30 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

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