I dunno, you need more action here. As it is the poem is too descriptive, you need more explosions too. What is an Apocalypse without fire and explosions? Hehe! :) Try reading my poem Final Words for inspiration, it's got a related theme going: http://www.eliteskills.com/z/21863
Hope I've helped! Keep writing!
I would really like to see a broadened version of this, more detail in each stanza.
I really like the direction I think it is very creative. And I think the first stanza sets this piece up very nicely.
It isn't that this piece does not work, it is complete where it stands, I just have the desire for this, for something more on a personal note mayebe, examples in any way you see fit of the instances you are describing. Thats me. I don't knnow exactly what it is I am looking for, I guess character in this piece, that's something that I enjoy it helps me relate.