absence

Author: joezwells Elite Ratio:    3.79 - 64 /79 /55 Words: 136

Class/Type: Poetry /Longing Total Views: 823 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 799

Description:

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absence

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everyday your gone my love keeps growing strong life just feels so wrong we've been apart to long your my other half the one to keep me afloat im drawning in misery your absence is sinking my boat i want to be strong do what i have to do everything seems pointless but im trying to do it for you time is so slow it seems to never move i have lost my glow i got nothing to prove baby come back i feel so low i just want you to hold me it hurt so bad to see you go ill be here waiting this you already know my love for you is not fading time is just moving to slow i love you

Submitted on 2011-08-02 18:13:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

i have to agree with Matt on this one...there is a lot of emotion...but there are different ways to express this rather than being so blunt and using pretty common language... the boat metaphor could be expounded...and could be worked throughout the piece... go for fresh...new ways to say this..cause yes, we have all felt it..and all said it one way or another... i do like the emotion here and understand that..also work on the spelling, many words misspelled and that stops the flow of the read. jacob

| Posted on 2011-08-02 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

Besides the last stanza nothing here is really exceptional. We've all read it before, trust me. I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just offering you an honest opinion. What you have is a bunch of stanzas that each contain this metaphor of a loss or a void, because of an absence; makes sense, that's what an absence is. What you want to do, is tie that all together without using this same theme. Add to it. If you have this reoccuring theme, it provides little more than a tone and a blunt meaning. What you want is a reoccuring metaphor or symbol, something to offer a little bit of intracacy. Get the reader stuck on a symbol, I saw the symbol of a boat in the 2nd stanza. If you could create this poem, using the boat as a reoccuring symbol, then you could really execute it to provide imagery, symbolism, intracacy, and more of a flow. It keeps the reader's attention. They see the boat slowly sinking, but never going under, because that is what you convey the love as, not fading, but you are hurt. Little things like that can do wonders for a poem. Matt

| Posted on 2011-08-02 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]

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