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absence


Author: joezwells
Elite Ratio:    3.79 - 64 /79 /55
Words: 136
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 823
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 799



Description:


my husband just left for the air force and im missing him so badly its making me sick


absence



everyday your gone
my love keeps growing strong
life just feels so wrong
we've been apart to long

your my other half
the one to keep me afloat
im drawning in misery
your absence is sinking my boat

i want to be strong
do what i have to do
everything seems pointless
but im trying to do it for you

time is so slow
it seems to never move
i have lost my glow
i got nothing to prove

baby come back
i feel so low
i just want you to hold me
it hurt so bad to see you go

ill be here waiting
this you already know
my love for you is not fading
time is just moving to slow

i love you




Submitted on 2011-08-02 18:13:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  i have to agree with Matt on this one...there is a lot of emotion...but there are different ways to express this rather than being so blunt and using pretty common language...

the boat metaphor could be expounded...and could be worked throughout the piece...

go for fresh...new ways to say this..cause yes, we have all felt it..and all said it one way or another...

i do like the emotion here and understand that..also work on the spelling, many words misspelled and that stops the flow of the read.


jacob
| Posted on 2011-08-02 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
  Besides the last stanza nothing here is really exceptional. We've all read it before, trust me. I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just offering you an honest opinion.

What you have is a bunch of stanzas that each contain this metaphor of a loss or a void, because of an absence; makes sense, that's what an absence is.

What you want to do, is tie that all together without using this same theme. Add to it. If you have this reoccuring theme, it provides little more than a tone and a blunt meaning. What you want is a reoccuring metaphor or symbol, something to offer a little bit of intracacy.

Get the reader stuck on a symbol, I saw the symbol of a boat in the 2nd stanza. If you could create this poem, using the boat as a reoccuring symbol, then you could really execute it to provide imagery, symbolism, intracacy, and more of a flow.

It keeps the reader's attention. They see the boat slowly sinking, but never going under, because that is what you convey the love as, not fading, but you are hurt.

Little things like that can do wonders for a poem.

Matt
| Posted on 2011-08-02 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]


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