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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Processingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 633
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 685



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsProcessingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    contemplating the horizon,
    raising questions as I raise painted lines
    and change this crimson mountain top to fade
    across the base of the sky


    contemplating,
    the subtle tones in the leaves
    that almost match exactly the edges of the sun

    The shadow of a wondering soldier passes through
    with a flicker of my brush and a few quick strokes

    managing
    to withstand the sharp tones of the heated lighting that beats down
    on tangled roots and dusty ground

    A crow sits atop a sullen rock in the corner
    stating itself as a permanent tenant amongst the undefined




    Submitted on 2011-08-04 16:10:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I see this vision as it develops in your words as though it were on an actual canvas. The lifeless background is inhabited by an organic foreground. The (wandering) soldier represents, to me the struggle for life. The crow represents the end of the struggle, death. If you did mean wondering soldier instead of wandering soldier, that adds some depth, in that humans can consider the nature of existence. But, as the lines are written, I do not believe wondering works as well as wandering. In any event, I like this picture you have made with words. The word contemplating show me the artist creating and, if I extrapolate, I may find the artist is god over this vision. I do not have any problem with the word crimson although it is often used to represent death, but death is an underlying theme here.
    | Posted on 2011-08-05 00:00:00 | by my shadow | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this BUT I totally hate the word crimson. Dunno really why, because of this site I guess, but I hate it and refuse to ever use it. It sticks out here even more as it kinda rhymes and resonates with the word mountain. I think you should change it into anything else, really. Other than that it's a good piece. Keep on writing!
    | Posted on 2011-08-04 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      There are lots of lovely images in this. I love:

    raising questions as I raise painted lines
    and change this crimson mountain top to fade
    across the base of the sky

    That's just gorgeous.

    The only qualm I have is that you repeat contemplating twice. I know you were trying to use repetition to create rhythm, but I think you should either continue using it at the beginning of every stanza or change one to another word.

    Amy
    | Posted on 2011-08-04 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]


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