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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Surrealdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Flaming_Shadow
    ASL Info:    20/F/USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.5 - 39/47/15
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 533
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 693



    Description:
       I wrote this with someone special in mind. The pieces floated around in my head until the words started screaming at me to be written on paper. So here's the final result :-) I would appreciate any and all feedback.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSurrealdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The way you laugh,
    that look I see;
    the way you feel
    when holding me.

    The glimmer in your eye,
    your slightest touch.
    It's hard not to fall,
    then they affect me so much.

    The whispered words,
    and lightest breath;
    make me feel so alive.
    A miracle, like life after death.

    I never thought this could happen.
    Just no way it could be true.
    But I guess I slowly started
    falling in love with you.

    This all seems so unreal.
    It must be something that I dreamed;
    like my own personal fairytale.
    You were brought to me by forces unseen.




    Submitted on 2011-08-04 17:13:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Although I kinda disagree with Wolfwatching it's comments like his that make me come back to this site. There's nothing worse than not being able to express a true opinion on someone's work. The whole point of feedback is made nil when all you receive are praises although people were feeling otherwise. The poem is not really bland it's rather kinda obscure. It was clearly written for someone in particular so of course it lacks mass appeal. The only thing wrong I see with it is the ending. You need some work there to make it really shine! Anyway, keep on writing!
    | Posted on 2011-08-04 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      Honestly...I think it's extremely bland. The one thing this poem has going for it, well there are a few things I suppose, I like that you've taken the time to write something important to you and actually as I read it, your structure and rhymes aren't forced at all but I feel you've sacrificed content to achieve them. When I say bland, maybe what I mean is ineffective; the way you describe this person, the whole thing really is not very original.

    Case in point:

    The glimmer in your eye,
    your slightest touch.
    It's hard not to fall,
    then they affect me so much




    I just get this image of you falling over because of the glimmer in someone's eye. I know it may sound stupid but you need to get in a bit closer than that if you want the reader to understand. What is it about the eyes? Could you have maybe used a metaphor to convey exactly what you mean? Compare the eyes with something, but not idealistically, as in "like the sky" like life after death", think of something more unique. These images and comparisons you have here are intangible for the reader.




    Now the thing is, if you were just looking for someone to relate, or you are writing just to get your feelings across, then this is fine, it's good even. But if you wanted to improve your writing (and I think you can), then the best thing to do would be to start reading published poetry, the kind they teach in school and college, you can get whatever author you want quite cheap if you look. Perhaps you already do read a little, but I don't think someone you would approach a poem this way if you read any of the more prominent poets or poems out there.




    You have a nice style, the words flow well and it's not a chore to read at all. As a matter of fact I could do with making my own poems flow as good as this, but you are using really basic imagery and the content is the kind of thing you might find in a greetings card, touching for some but cheesey for others.

    Here's a cool site you might look over sometime, just for information.

    http://www.poetrymagic.co.uk/approaches.html

    I realise this is a heavy-handed comment. But good luck with the poetry.
    | Posted on 2011-08-04 00:00:00 | by Wolfwatching | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
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    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    191993

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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