I just want to take a second and
go off subject. I am sitting here
trying to read this post of your'n
and an ant is crawling across my
belly. This is a really tiny ant and
I am wondering how much brain
power this ant has? I mean I am
squishing it now so it has no brain
power at all. However I don't think
it had much to begin with.
Now I am pretty sure had it been
me there instead of you she would
"Thank God I don't have to spend
eternity with you."
Regardless I do like the way this
I wanted to comment on the poem about the crucifixion or some dude starting with C, obviously
i have forgotten the title. but,
i thought that was a good poem. if it were up i'd fave it because i thought
it was that good.
this one. i love the thoughtfulness of it and even
or especially what poetry is trying to do.
poetry can do what the fuck it likes,
so, it's nice that, the affinities drifted.... because that is
angular and provides a certain view, straight out of the gate that's wonderful, it alerts the reader to the fact that poetry can do......
I would punctuate that, and make it a bit more straight laced though because technically it seems like a bit of clangage.... drifted my eyes to the sky
that's so different from say: elevated,
and it seems like wrong usage, it seems like clumsiness whereas something * that is for you to discover, might be equally as quirky or revelatory but avert the clumsiness.
My strange affinities-
drifted my eyes to the sky;
decorated with white explosions.
at the subtleties of Heaven;
and thought of the absence that I belong in
hiding my nerves behind stern complacency
"Do you think we'll be together forever?" she said.
I stroked the back of my hand against her soft skin;
as I imagined it aging as the leaves fell with each passing year
and I shared my dislike for eternity with her.
i stared, i thought, i stroked the back of my hand. stern complacency.
i picked those things out because for me they are seams. you
seem thoughtful, i haven't read enough of your work to say whether your skills match that depth and so, i say, in this poem it comes across like structure.
like, here is the idea, and here is the essential part required in order that the further essential part...
and all of this
in order that.
the poem should work. I'm saying it feels stage managed and stilted. and that
the challenge is to have that structure but free up the poem a bit so that it hits all the same notes
but leaves us with a how did he do that kind of feeling.
then again, even your title contains the inversion
of a .... unfollowed. perhaps it's a stylistic choice.
thoughtful work, much to enjoy in it. i wish the other poem was still up.
please don't feel the need to reciprocate, if you do, that's great, if you don't that's great too, i mean the purpose of my comment was to open my page up, i am journalizing rather than workshopping. however, rather than waste the time or make a nothing comment i particularly sought out you, mr thoughful bloke. middle earth aye? it would please me if you happened to be from nz.
There is definite potential here. The title is great; sort of an answer to what follows, since nothing ever lasts forever the way it is and it is anyone's best guess what tomorrow holds.
I have a few small nit-picks, however. With a few small tweaks this could be quite good.
There is something off about "my strange affinities" to "drifted my eyes into the sky." Perhaps if you used a word such as "dragged" as opposed to drifted, this would work better, or keep the first line as is and change "into" to just "to." A small thing, really, but it hung me up a bit.
I would also remove the semi-colon after "I stared" and let it hang there without punctuation. IMHO the semi-colon after "heaven" is also not needed.
My instinctual preference would also be to read;
at the subtleties of Heaven
and thought of absence
as/while I hide my nerves behind stern complacency."
But that could be just me.
My favourite part of this comes in the second half. It reminds me of a very young love, the almost heartbreaking innocence and naivety of the line "do you think we'll be together forever," and the speaker (who comes across as being a little more world-wise than his love) answering by way of imagining them growing old together.