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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A breath unfolloweddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: OneDarkFlame92
    ASL Info:    23/m/Numeanor
    Elite Ratio:    5.28 - 455/419/222
    Words: 161
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 896
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 761



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA breath unfolloweddots
    -------------------------------------------


    My strange affinities-

    drifted my eyes to the sky;
    decorated with white explosions.

    I stared

    at the subtleties of Heaven;
    and thought of the absence that I belong in


    hiding my nerves behind stern complacency


    "Do you think we'll be together forever?" she said.

    I stroked the back of my hand against her soft skin;

    as I imagined it aging as the leaves fell with each passing year

    and I shared my dislike for eternity with her.






    Submitted on 2011-08-13 22:48:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I just want to take a second and
    go off subject. I am sitting here
    trying to read this post of your'n
    and an ant is crawling across my
    belly. This is a really tiny ant and
    I am wondering how much brain
    power this ant has? I mean I am
    squishing it now so it has no brain
    power at all. However I don't think
    it had much to begin with.

    Now I am pretty sure had it been
    me there instead of you she would
    have said
    "Thank God I don't have to spend
    eternity with you."
    Regardless I do like the way this
    one ends.



    | Posted on 2011-09-17 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]
      I wanted to comment on the poem about the crucifixion or some dude starting with C, obviously
    i have forgotten the title. but,
    i thought that was a good poem. if it were up i'd fave it because i thought
    it was that good.

    this one. i love the thoughtfulness of it and even
    or especially what poetry is trying to do.

    poetry can do what the fuck it likes,
    providing....

    so, it's nice that, the affinities drifted.... because that is
    angular and provides a certain view, straight out of the gate that's wonderful, it alerts the reader to the fact that poetry can do......

    I would punctuate that, and make it a bit more straight laced though because technically it seems like a bit of clangage.... drifted my eyes to the sky

    that's so different from say: elevated,

    and it seems like wrong usage, it seems like clumsiness whereas something * that is for you to discover, might be equally as quirky or revelatory but avert the clumsiness.


    My strange affinities-

    drifted my eyes to the sky;
    decorated with white explosions.

    I stared

    at the subtleties of Heaven;
    and thought of the absence that I belong in

    hiding my nerves behind stern complacency


    "Do you think we'll be together forever?" she said.

    I stroked the back of my hand against her soft skin;

    as I imagined it aging as the leaves fell with each passing year

    and I shared my dislike for eternity with her.


    i stared, i thought, i stroked the back of my hand. stern complacency.


    i picked those things out because for me they are seams. you
    seem thoughtful, i haven't read enough of your work to say whether your skills match that depth and so, i say, in this poem it comes across like structure.

    like, here is the idea, and here is the essential part required in order that the further essential part...
    and all of this
    required

    in order that.

    the poem should work. I'm saying it feels stage managed and stilted. and that
    the challenge is to have that structure but free up the poem a bit so that it hits all the same notes
    but leaves us with a how did he do that kind of feeling.

    then again, even your title contains the inversion
    of a .... unfollowed. perhaps it's a stylistic choice.

    thoughtful work, much to enjoy in it. i wish the other poem was still up.

    please don't feel the need to reciprocate, if you do, that's great, if you don't that's great too, i mean the purpose of my comment was to open my page up, i am journalizing rather than workshopping. however, rather than waste the time or make a nothing comment i particularly sought out you, mr thoughful bloke. middle earth aye? it would please me if you happened to be from nz.
    | Posted on 2011-09-04 00:00:00 | by lameboyofhameln | [ Reply to This ]
      wow ..... >
    this is riched with romance
    love soaked in EVERY letter, upon every word

    this is going on
    my fav list ---- right now !!

    O tho Art , Summon me to Middle Earth
    | Posted on 2011-08-16 00:00:00 | by Bloodstone | [ Reply to This ]
      There is definite potential here. The title is great; sort of an answer to what follows, since nothing ever lasts forever the way it is and it is anyone's best guess what tomorrow holds.

    I have a few small nit-picks, however. With a few small tweaks this could be quite good.

    There is something off about "my strange affinities" to "drifted my eyes into the sky." Perhaps if you used a word such as "dragged" as opposed to drifted, this would work better, or keep the first line as is and change "into" to just "to." A small thing, really, but it hung me up a bit.

    I would also remove the semi-colon after "I stared" and let it hang there without punctuation. IMHO the semi-colon after "heaven" is also not needed.

    My instinctual preference would also be to read;

    "I stared

    at the subtleties of Heaven
    and thought of absence

    as/while I hide my nerves behind stern complacency."

    But that could be just me.


    My favourite part of this comes in the second half. It reminds me of a very young love, the almost heartbreaking innocence and naivety of the line "do you think we'll be together forever," and the speaker (who comes across as being a little more world-wise than his love) answering by way of imagining them growing old together.

    I hope this has been constructive and helpful.

    Take Care,
    Erin
    | Posted on 2011-08-14 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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    3. How did it make you feel?
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    5. Which parts?
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    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    192135

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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