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    dots Submission Name: clasping red marbledots

    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 542
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 755


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsclasping red marbledots

    You drew perfection in each breath
    as I folded you warmly into my chest
    covered in a milky film of memories
    to be lit up beside your flame,
    but you powdered away into the wind,
    only to leave a trace of trust
    under my skin
    and I have clawed each vein
    to try extract your name
    I felt glowing within,
    only to find a constant failure spoken..

    So I'll sow a bundle of seeds
    to grow shadows to console me
    but sprout a soul instead
    to let black whispers pass
    along unkissed lips,
    a presence of unquenched thirst
    exists, grown from a dream's dust
    where our handprints sleep on
    promises beyond the looking glass.

    Submitted on 2011-08-25 09:31:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i like the "trace of trust/ under my/ skin--

    the whole first part yes...

    and the ending works well with the "handprints" and "dream's dust"


    but the "wasp" part and the "sewing up my destiny" felt like it was from another poem, not this one...and got this reader side-tracked...

    like you were trying to put a little too much into it...and what you added, subtracted....
    because the whole dust, powder, prints theme worked very well when you stuck to it.

    | Posted on 2011-08-26 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it. Well, I liked parts of it more than the poem as a whole; but how they work inside the poem. Like "and I have clawed each vein trying to extract your name." That's amazing! I love how it works well with this post-relationship theme.

    Quite the flavorful poem. I liked it, for the most part. Sometimes it seemed to drag along and it felt like my eyes were reading but my brain wasn't.

    But overall, it was good.


    | Posted on 2011-08-25 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]

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