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    dots Submission Name: My Sondots

    Author: KittyKatPaws3
    Elite Ratio:    0.52 - 0/1/1
    Words: 155
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 443
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1062

       Erm..... my first attempt at poetry.... Enjoy?! :)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Sondots

    She’s leaving you
    While she still can
    Before you make another excuse
    A new plan
    Before you can harm her
    In more ways than one
    So you can’t pierce her armour
    She needs to run.

    You wake up
    Assess the night before
    You stand up
    Broken glass on the floor
    Bruised knuckles aching
    Fist shaped dent in the door
    Realisation dawns
    “Ungrateful Whore!”

    She’s gone
    Tiptoed out last night
    The only trace of her
    Clothes soon to be too tight
    She left you
    You’re grip on her torn
    The unjust power you held over her
    Burns there no more.

    You never noticed
    Too drunk to care
    Were you ever sober?
    Her endless nightmare
    The evil villain
    Her love always growing
    Her spirit you were killing
    She’d never show it.

    Note on the table
    Lines but just one
    “Leaving while I’m still able, I want better for MY son.”

    Submitted on 2011-08-25 16:40:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I like. You have some great wording in there.

    Bruised knuckles aching
    Fist shaped dent in the door
    Realisation dawns
    “Ungrateful Whore!”

    I really liked that, great use of the rhyming. A very heart felt poem as well; I could really feel the emotion in this one....good job.

    Couple things:

    "So you can't pierce her armor"

    I feel as if that didn't fit too well. Maybe you can take away "so" and leave it as "you can't pierce her armor; it would flow better, I think.

    My favorite line in it:

    The only trace of her
    Clothes soon to be too tight

    I thought that was really cool. It's like this lingering effect that won't hit 'till later as opposed to a sudden impact. Very nice.


    | Posted on 2011-08-25 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]

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