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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mindsouldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 40
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 589
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 251



    Description:
       Schlera are the whites of your eyes.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMindsouldots
    -------------------------------------------


    Someday I'll swim in the blue tempest torn seas of your irises,
    repel myself into the fathomless caverns of your pupils,
    or jump through the Antarctic ice of your schlera.
    I'll brave any danger to gaze at your mindsoul.




    Submitted on 2011-08-31 19:13:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Out to in is only logical in this case white,
    blue then black. I think instead of jumping
    across the ice you should skitter and flail your
    way. Moreover this would be the first line,
    then comes the swim. I do wonder about the repel
    part of the trip? It seems to me the blue sea
    might suck you into the flow down the black
    pupil hole unless you are quick with the grapple.
    | Posted on 2011-09-17 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this, i disagree with lori and jacob, i do stuff like this all the time, where the first part always makes sense, then the last part intentionally doesn't rhyme. for me it makes my point stand out more.
    | Posted on 2011-09-04 00:00:00 | by Mr.Ordinary | [ Reply to This ]
      It is such a beautiful idea. I agree with Jacob though.

    The beginning of each line takes such gentle care in the piece when you come to the of your irises, of your pupils, ect. it kinda just drops.

    like the words themselves aren't enough and I tried to think of some kind of suggestion and have none :(

    | Posted on 2011-09-01 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like the first part of each line in this...but somehow the end words just feel a bit forced...i don't feel a rhythm...

    i like the concept, but don't feel it comes as easily as most of yours do...you are so comfortable with phrasing ---
    this has a bit of a contrived feeling to it for me.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-08-31 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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