Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sunburndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: xxalpal4everzxx
    ASL Info:    13/F/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    2.73 - 10/26/19
    Words: 417
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 568
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2391



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSunburndots
    -------------------------------------------


    I sit in my room and listen to the past,
    The clock ticks slow but my heart beats fast,
    The rays of sunlight dim under shades,
    Of curtains hanging from their old maids,
    I sit in the dark and try not to think,
    But every time I try I start to sink,
    Back into the memories of you and me,
    Such locked away free,
    So depressively upbeat,
    So bitterly sweet,
    Such imperfect perfection,
    Such a combination of disconnection,
    Such paved day nights,
    So many peace fights,
    The rainbow in our veins has turned black,
    Like the color of my soul that I use to lack,
    The stains of rain drops keep my breath creating a new cloud,
    As the roar of thunder is way too loud,
    And the light I keep wanting to take hold of is shy,
    Like a bug looking at her trap not knowing it is a lie,
    The light she sees is just another way of covering up the death within,
    And now I’m laid in my faults,
    Dressed in black with no pulse,
    I thought I was moving into the light,
    But the so called light is really an undercover night,
    Which takes its pale victims in with promises of more glow,
    But gives them no sunblock and allows them to go,
    They sit in the sun for awhile and enjoy the new color in their life,
    But after a while something goes wrong and ends with a strife,
    You couldn’t escape the sunburn of the sun,
    So now it curtains to the bloodshed of one,
    I became the knives sheath so you could move on,
    Without having to feel the bitter taste of the python,
    So now I sit in an artificial night,
    Trying to get the past out of sight,
    But I guess I will just sink away in my tears,
    For a second away feels like years,
    I take this last thought and slowly I rest,
    Good night forever I cannot jest,
    For they say that love kills the most,
    And with that I bid a do to the ghost,
    That lingeres over my head,
    In the morning I will wake up an angel with the other undead,
    So goodnight to life as I thought it was,
    I will wake up in the light and like the bug I wont buzz,
    Anymore through this undying death that hangs over me like the clouds in the blue,
    So goodnight death I bid you a do.






    Submitted on 2011-09-01 17:46:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Overall theme sounds like regret. Every time I get a sunburn, I regret not wearing sunscreen, so I think that title works really well.

    Anyways, a lot of the parts in this poem read rather cliché and or forced.

    "The rainbow in our veins has turned black,
    Like the color of my soul that I use to lack,"

    Like that, I just never liked that.

    You have a feeling, or a theme, and that's enough to work with really.
    Try going through this and taking out what you feel is not needed. Take some of those clichés and make them stronger.

    Matt
    | Posted on 2011-09-01 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    192342

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by Outlaw
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Dream written by closetpoet
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry