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    dots Submission Name: thursday's childdots

    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 866
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 595


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    dotsthursday's childdots

    It's Thursday again
    and it feels like winter,
    when you said we were glassine and vulgar
    I recoiled and became automatic,
    developed a taste for fire.

    And bearded brooms we became
    with footsteps never born,
    lost children with sharded eyes
    passing cups of sand
    to try find meaning in time.

    But tonight we can watch meteors
    and pretend they will fall down
    to take us away to a better place,
    or anything to distract us
    from the shredding pain
    of two souls riven.

    Submitted on 2011-09-01 18:33:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Like some people: do not know what happiness is. This poem scrapes my heart like a squeaky blackboard because it says there was no happiness riven or not.

    Like blaming the moon for the tides: not quite to the point!
    | Posted on 2012-01-31 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this piece, but feel that you stopped just short of what you could have done. The emotion is real, but the words seem somewhat forced as if you said something you never meant to say, but could not keep from saying. Overall this was decent.

    | Posted on 2012-01-25 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
      you are really developing into such a poet, Shawn....

    your phrasing is intricate in wording and subtle meaning....
    the second stanza especially got to me...made me think of reckless abandon and abortions and the winter feeling of lives that are unfulfilled....and the third stanza felt the two souls more stable, had more understanding of life...watched the meteors as if watching themselves reach some kind of destination in which the pain of the past is felt, but understood...

    like it took all that to get us to this point...and somehow even with the regrets, we are still together and can appreciate life so much more now...maybe pause at what we wasted...but also at what we learned.

    really really really good piece...quite a mature writing...

    | Posted on 2011-09-02 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I just really liked this idea "It's Thursday again and it feels like winter"
    Such good phrasing.

    It's like the qualities of time measurments, days of the week and seasons. Thursday has a repetitive quality; "It's Thursday again" while winter has this repetive and sensation like quality; it feels like winter, but is it really winter?
    But then again, Thursday has this lingering quality as well because of it's repetiveness, and winter has this repetitive quality because of it's lingering. Nicely done.

    Moving on....

    That last stanza was really something.
    Tonight we can watch meteors and pretend they will fall down, to take us to a better place.

    Ah...what does that mean what does it mean?
    It's ironic, I know that much. A disliking for the world, wanting to see it desolate and by contrast, better.
    And the conclusion, a distraction from the pain of love. The seperation of lovers...I love it.

    Great write


    | Posted on 2011-09-01 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]

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