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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: changing hairdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 86
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 358
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 591



    Description:
       Revised


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotschanging hairdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Tomorrow i will be just another shit-stain
    to be pissed-off from your bowl of life,
    a torn hymen of possibilities.

    You can be just another crying pariah
    that lives on my chopping-block list,
    broken in by your insanities.

    It's too late to brand my leather chest
    with symbols to wither my bleeding-spell,
    moments of you will diffuse and blur.

    Fold your silvery reactions into yesterday
    to remind me in a different time of pocketed dreams,
    I'm stuck between here and now on repeat...




    Submitted on 2011-09-04 04:26:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "a torn hymen of possibilities"

    What a great line!

    I also like:

    "moments of you will diffuse and blur"

    Interesting write.

    Jane
    | Posted on 2011-09-17 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes, I like it better. I love this "manufactoring of parts" to convey these emotions. Very bold.

    I especially like the last line

    "I'm between here and now on repeat...."

    Not going full circle per se, but definetly putting the train back on the tracks.

    Matt
    | Posted on 2011-09-04 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]
      ps

    i agree with Matt on the description!
    | Posted on 2011-09-04 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      just as she would randomly change hair colors, so go her affections...not very strong roots...she is flighty and the roots give way to that....

    i have been here...the significant other not willing to work through the tough times....there at the beginning when it is all roses and time doesn't matter...but then when we become aware of the hour...a hard hour to pass...she breaks the watch and runs.

    today she is dark haired and mysterious, tomorrow she is red haired and ferocious...and the next blond and gone..."which basically describes my three exes"


    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-09-04 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I think I may like the description box better lol.

    I don't think this needed to rhyme at all; like it would have been better if you focused on content. I didn't see the rhyming help or take away from the piece, but if you didn't feel the need to have to rhyme, you might have pulled out some better word choices.

    Overall this is pretty good, not your best work by far, but pretty good.

    I like the use of "five-to" "five-past" a reminder.

    "Tomorrow i will be just another shit-stain
    to be pissed-off from your bowl of life,
    a torn hymen of possibilities."

    Now that's clever!

    Matt
    | Posted on 2011-09-04 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]


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