Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: changing hairdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 86
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 364
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 591



    Description:
       Revised


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotschanging hairdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Tomorrow i will be just another shit-stain
    to be pissed-off from your bowl of life,
    a torn hymen of possibilities.

    You can be just another crying pariah
    that lives on my chopping-block list,
    broken in by your insanities.

    It's too late to brand my leather chest
    with symbols to wither my bleeding-spell,
    moments of you will diffuse and blur.

    Fold your silvery reactions into yesterday
    to remind me in a different time of pocketed dreams,
    I'm stuck between here and now on repeat...




    Submitted on 2011-09-04 04:26:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "a torn hymen of possibilities"

    What a great line!

    I also like:

    "moments of you will diffuse and blur"

    Interesting write.

    Jane
    | Posted on 2011-09-17 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes, I like it better. I love this "manufactoring of parts" to convey these emotions. Very bold.

    I especially like the last line

    "I'm between here and now on repeat...."

    Not going full circle per se, but definetly putting the train back on the tracks.

    Matt
    | Posted on 2011-09-04 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]
      ps

    i agree with Matt on the description!
    | Posted on 2011-09-04 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      just as she would randomly change hair colors, so go her affections...not very strong roots...she is flighty and the roots give way to that....

    i have been here...the significant other not willing to work through the tough times....there at the beginning when it is all roses and time doesn't matter...but then when we become aware of the hour...a hard hour to pass...she breaks the watch and runs.

    today she is dark haired and mysterious, tomorrow she is red haired and ferocious...and the next blond and gone..."which basically describes my three exes"


    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-09-04 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I think I may like the description box better lol.

    I don't think this needed to rhyme at all; like it would have been better if you focused on content. I didn't see the rhyming help or take away from the piece, but if you didn't feel the need to have to rhyme, you might have pulled out some better word choices.

    Overall this is pretty good, not your best work by far, but pretty good.

    I like the use of "five-to" "five-past" a reminder.

    "Tomorrow i will be just another shit-stain
    to be pissed-off from your bowl of life,
    a torn hymen of possibilities."

    Now that's clever!

    Matt
    | Posted on 2011-09-04 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    192378

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    On Top of a Water Wheel written by Wolfwatching
    By the bar written by expiring_touch
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Convergence written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Blood to Plowshares written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Born of the Mouth written by MyPeriodical
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Genesis written by saartha
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Skulls Beyond the Palisade written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Search written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
    When Crows Tick on Windows written by metallichick786
    Sunt Mala Quae Libas written by MyPeriodical
    To the Epilogue written by HisNameIsNoMore
    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Love and Solitaire written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    On Loop written by Daniel Barlow
    Lunch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    The First Time written by Wolfwatching
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry