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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Better Daysdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: moonlitsky
    Elite Ratio:    5.96 - 70/44/15
    Words: 249
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 527
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1512



    Description:
       feel free to comment. wrote this in 20 minutes. just felt like it. would really appreciate feedback since it is still raw. critiques and criticisms are welcome. enjoy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBetter Daysdots
    -------------------------------------------


    i look to the times we shared and i reminisce
    about the better days that damn i really miss
    when joy and laughter still filled my face
    and i never thought anyone could take your place

    you and i were like pyramus and thisbe
    not giving a fuck about what they say whoever they may be
    all that mattered was just you and me
    we thought the love we shared was for eternity

    i trusted you like i trust my mom
    she always treated you as her second son
    i never thought you would ever give up on me
    but i guess expectations rarely trump reality

    so i look back to the better days, better days
    damn i really miss those better days

    i thought that i could go back and rewind
    backtrack to the days i can no longer find
    hopefully change the course of history
    but once done you cant go back to what used to be

    and eventhough we're still together
    nothing seems to get us through this rainy weather
    how i wish i could just rewind
    change time
    erase the problems on my mind

    but then again those were better days, better days
    damn, now we're going our separate ways

    and even if we cant admit it to ourselves
    it doesn't change the fact that im still beside myself
    thinking about better days, better days..

    how i wish i could stop time to relive those better days.




    Submitted on 2011-09-04 19:09:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I agree that this piece is raw, maybe raw is a strong word, i would say "unshaped" would be a better word. The idea is there but apart from the clichè bits or whatever I see a lot of repetition but instead of building up to a final burst or finalè it just seems to drag the idea along instead of allowing it to explode outward, I think trimming it down and making it more concise would be fantastic in helping the delivery of the intended emotions and message. Not a bad piece at all but not too good either, with a little bit of work this could jump more than just one or two notches, I think it could be awesome...

    Just random ideas :)

    Hope it helps.
    | Posted on 2011-09-05 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      this has some good spots..."rewind, change time" that part is pretty neat...

    good wording...but a lot of this is colloquial or a bit cliché...

    would like to see you take this idea and spend more time with it...

    working it into a shorter, tighter piece of poetry..maybe with more metaphor...simile...

    something for us to read and have our mouths hang open in awe.

    no doubt the sentiment is here, but pretty straight forward...i think you could do a lot more with this...some of the best phrasing could be built upon...

    just thoughts

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-09-04 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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