Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Erase the Namedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ladydeathstrike
    ASL Info:    27/F/Chicago
    Elite Ratio:    5.27 - 259/284/94
    Words: 106
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 376
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 587



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsErase the Namedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Erase the word.
    The noun,
    the sound I hear when you call me out.
    Ignore the beat, the sigh,
    the way my heart feels when the chords strike.
    Take it away, remove my name.
    Alter the sound, make it be some other word.
    Let no one else call upon my name,
    Let no other set of lips form the shape.
    Because it hurts when I hear it,
    because it hurts to know that its not you who utters it.
    I consecrate our burial, our love by surrendering my name.
    Let no other call upon me,
    Erase the word.




    Submitted on 2011-09-05 01:24:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i agree with bill on a few spots that could be tighter...and line 11 "it's not you who utters it"

    almost like when we are in a relationship and have nicknames for each other..."no one else calls me that, only my significant other"

    and when the relationship ends...i don't want anyone else to call me that..or even call me, because i am so devastated...

    "remove my name"

    i don't even want to recognize myself...without him or her, i lose my identity..it was so wrapped up in the "us"---

    like your writing much...

    there is intense feeling and a naturalness about the way you write.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-09-05 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      As the saying goes:

    "My name
    on your lips
    is heaven"

    So any other pair of lips
    would only seem less divine.

    My only suggestions would formatting for ease of reading and eliminating needless words here and there (such as "set of" in the 9th line).

    Other than that, this has a potent melancholy to it.
    | Posted on 2011-09-05 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    192385

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    The World written by jjd
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Carry written by saartha
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Cover written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Etiquette written by saartha
    neet

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry