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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Erase the Namedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ladydeathstrike
    ASL Info:    27/F/Chicago
    Elite Ratio:    5.27 - 259/284/94
    Words: 106
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 413
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 587



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsErase the Namedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Erase the word.
    The noun,
    the sound I hear when you call me out.
    Ignore the beat, the sigh,
    the way my heart feels when the chords strike.
    Take it away, remove my name.
    Alter the sound, make it be some other word.
    Let no one else call upon my name,
    Let no other set of lips form the shape.
    Because it hurts when I hear it,
    because it hurts to know that its not you who utters it.
    I consecrate our burial, our love by surrendering my name.
    Let no other call upon me,
    Erase the word.




    Submitted on 2011-09-05 01:24:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      i agree with bill on a few spots that could be tighter...and line 11 "it's not you who utters it"

    almost like when we are in a relationship and have nicknames for each other..."no one else calls me that, only my significant other"

    and when the relationship ends...i don't want anyone else to call me that..or even call me, because i am so devastated...

    "remove my name"

    i don't even want to recognize myself...without him or her, i lose my identity..it was so wrapped up in the "us"---

    like your writing much...

    there is intense feeling and a naturalness about the way you write.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-09-05 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      As the saying goes:

    "My name
    on your lips
    is heaven"

    So any other pair of lips
    would only seem less divine.

    My only suggestions would formatting for ease of reading and eliminating needless words here and there (such as "set of" in the 9th line).

    Other than that, this has a potent melancholy to it.
    | Posted on 2011-09-05 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


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