Its been six years nine months twenty minutes and thirty seven seconds since I had my first drag. The feeling of remorse has always been there. I never did understand why I took that first step.
Its been six hours twenty minutes and thirty seven seconds since I decided to try my nerve. I can't really say that I can lay still. This very moment I just wish to strike that phosphorous, and let the smoke wrench my blackened lungs.
I don't know what brought me closer to smoking. Was it my hatred towards it or my love towards humanity? I still can't understand why I smoke. All I know is that it makes me realize that life is just not life.
When I was a kid all I knew was nothing. I was happy and used to make others happy. There was no mind involved in enjoying what the heart had to say. Then she came.
"M-2, L-3, T-1" she said with all confidence.
"Anybody else" the teacher asked.
"M-3, L-1, T-2" I said reluctantly.
"How did you get that?" she asked in that sweet voice I can never forget.
It was not that I was a genius. I was but another smart arse, who never really thought about how smart he was till others made him realize.
"You forgot the basics of dimension analysis, and overlooked the acceleration part." I said in the usual calm monotone.
Any other smart arse like me would have smiled at that. But she gave a stern look as if I had hurt her ambitious feelings.
Well, time flew by, and eventually she got to know me better. She understood that I was really bright, and that I could really solve problems.
Next what happened was that I got hooked to her. And she took proper advantage of the fact, as any girl who knows how to use her booty does.
"Can you please teach me Chemistry" she asked me with that innocent look. I like any other guy wanting a female companion at my age of flooding hormones fell for it.
I taught her not only Chemistry, but also Physics and Mathematics.
Calculus, laws of motion, organic and inorganic Chemistry was easy for me to grasp and to teach.
Her eyes, her smile, her flying kisses were the ones difficult to grasp.
"Do you know when you hang out with me I feel happy and others feel sad?" I asked her on one of the nights.
"You silly geek. Why do you care about others" She said with her usual smile and wink.
"Do you know the other girl in class has her heart for you?" she asked me.
I never did understand why other girls having a heart for me did not matter at that point in time.
The melodrama continued till she found someone whom she felt better than me, and moved on.
I on the other hand got stuck on her. That was the goddamn point my life took an about turn. Friends, family, foes, everyone took a back seat. The very feeling of happiness I so lived in and with vanished.
Depression took in. Nicotine and alcohol became the best friends.
When one loses his heart, even the ray of hope is allowed to pass by. I still remember that beautiful girl talking to me at the bar.
"Why do you smoke so much?" she asked sitting next to me making me realize the lavender deo she had put on.
"For its going to stay longer than your oceanic scents." I had responded in a rather demeaning fashion.
Thereon, plenty of nights, my companions were hitchhikers. I knew of all the places where I could find dope. Be it four in the morning or two in the afternoon, I knew where to find what that could take me to cloud nine.
I had been living in this chaos. Graduated, got a bad job. Moved to a relatively better job. Thereon, it was just jumping here and there.
Being smart only makes you feel left out one way or the other. Either you are unrecognized and unpaid working your nights out trying to come up with something which only the enlightened understand. Or you make morons understand the basics of what brings money - for which you get paid by the Pareto's principle.
In a desperate attempt to catch a breath of life - I decided that I should quit all addictions. Quitting dope was not that easy. Alcohol was the easiest. Nicotine however stuck to me like a baby stuck to the womb.
The fairies in the corporate world are no different than bloodsucking vampires. But they do give you pleasure. I don't really understand whether I hate women or love them. Whether they care about you, or just are meant to live caring about others. Anyways, the words of that girl at work struck me.
"You know if you are so passionate to die - you should not have quit other addictions." she spoke in one of those torturous talks I had.
"Why do you care for me I asked"
"Only if you understand your worth, you would not ask such a question."
"Only if I did, I would probably not have lost her."
"Then get a hang before you lose yourself." she reverted like a lightning bolt.
I was speechless. And her words did make me realize that my existence did matter. Although, I did not understand why, and why to her. She was pretty. I was but an average guy with moderate income - and only a percent of what I used to be.
But something about her made me want to just quit the last and most-loved addictions.
I cleaned my room. Removed every last of those buts, the ashtrays, threw away the packs, and took a shower for 40 whole mins. And once I was completely sure I had to do it for a goddamn uncertain reason - I lit the last cigarette I had kept for myself - as a souvenir of my last love.
Those 16 puffs were the most enjoyed puffs in my entire life. Each puff wriggled my stupid heart. Each made me realize of the sufferings it had undergone. Leaving now was not only painful, but also regretting. The last puff burnt my lips. There was no tobacco left. I had sucked onto the very last.
I can still feel the marks left on my fingers and my lips, and more importantly on my heart.
I don't know if the office fairy will want me after this. I just hope the nights with her remain as fiery as they were when I used to light the cancer stick.
If you are hearing lady, then tell me "Are you really worth at least these six hours twenty three minutes and nineteen seconds?"