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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Understanddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Zai
    ASL Info:    24/m/US
    Elite Ratio:    3.97 - 66/145/98
    Words: 49
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 559
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 268



    Description:
       Odd day?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnderstanddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am not a follower, I am a closemouthed wallower.
    I don't care, I overbear.
    I am not shy, I use my silence to pry.
    I don't jest, I veil the pretense.
    I am not feeling happiness,
    I am experiencing ten seconds of bliss.




    Submitted on 2011-09-07 00:48:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i am torn on this one...feels both clever and forced at the same time...the 4th line is trippy for me...uncomfortable...

    i agree on the ending...i like that...

    kind of at odds with myself on this one...

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-09-07 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the last two lines and how they correlate to the rest of the poem, with this contrast of sorts.

    I am not feeling happiness,
    I am experiencing ten seconds of bliss

    So true.

    This rhyming though, it doesn't work here at all. The syllables don't match, the words need additional words in front of them so that they can make sense. And that is what we call "forced rhyming". I seem to fall victim to the same thing every time I try to rhyme lol
    I don't think the rhyming helps anyway.

    Try to write this without the need to rhyme. It will help the reader understand the contrast from the first suggested statement to the second one, in each sentence.

    Not bad, though. Keep writing.

    Matt
    | Posted on 2011-09-07 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]


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