His Name Is No More (Reworking) -------------------------------------------
Betrayal is a good place if any to start-
So long ago; darker as we go back
Smearing memories like an oily haze
Hands against glass block the part-
The eyes behold nothing but haze
Wait for a moment let it restart-
Here I once stood; before God I prayed
Subtle whispers- Soft thunder of the heart
Through my tongue twisted of contrition
I cried; screamed- A hark!
Mind deranged; I saw no sign... perhaps delayed
Silence spoke in rejection
Cold, the wind jolted- A spark!
Strong armed, a man fell to his knees
Ruthlessly in pain God spoke of his volition
Cascading the Sun melted away
Burdened; turmoil and pain
That's a good start in itself. Invites the reader into this poem like a story. I always liked that.
"So long ago; darker as we go back
Smearing memories like an oily haze"
The first line didn't hit so well. "darker as we go back" just seems sort of cliché.
I do love the second line. Just a great memory for elapsing time. Well, backwards anyways. Maybe you could set the darkness to a metaphor like you did with the memories. That could help, if you found the right one. Otherwise I wouldn't worry too much about it.
"Wait for a moment let it restart-"
I like that line as well. Maybe a comma after moment could help with the impact of the line. Just a suggestion.
Now you jump into this second half rather quickly, but that is also okay. It's like setting up the epic scene.
"Here I once stood; before God I prayed
Subtle whispers- Soft thunder of the heart"
Subtle, nothing too fierce just yet, a good build up.
"Through my tongue twisted of contrition
I cried; screamed- A hark!"
Ah, there it is. The pain of prayer and religion haha. I really like the use of "A-hark"
and then later "A-spark"
"I saw no sign... perhaps delayed"
And there we have questioning. Doubt. Always a must in religious pieces. Whether they are praise pieces or heretic pieces, there should always be doubt.
"A man fell to his kness-ruthelessly in pain"
I feel a forced prayer position kind of imagery there.
Overall, this is a good poem. Not many people's cup of tea, but a good poem nonetheless.
I would work on that transition a little more without adding too much un-needed information or imagery.