Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: His Name Is No More (Reworking)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HisNameIsNoMore
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    2.98 - 75/191/246
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 916
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 730



    Description:
       Not finished, input is welcomed.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHis Name Is No More (Reworking)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Betrayal is a good place if any to start-
    So long ago; darker as we go back
    Smearing memories like an oily haze
    Hands against glass block the part-
    The eyes behold nothing but haze
    Wait for a moment let it restart-

    Here I once stood; before God I prayed
    Subtle whispers- Soft thunder of the heart
    Through my tongue twisted of contrition
    I cried; screamed- A hark!
    Mind deranged; I saw no sign... perhaps delayed
    Silence spoke in rejection
    Cold, the wind jolted- A spark!
    Strong armed, a man fell to his knees
    Ruthlessly in pain God spoke of his volition
    Cascading the Sun melted away
    Burdened; turmoil and pain




    Submitted on 2011-09-07 14:17:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "Betrayal is a good place if any to start-"

    That's a good start in itself. Invites the reader into this poem like a story. I always liked that.

    "So long ago; darker as we go back
    Smearing memories like an oily haze"

    The first line didn't hit so well. "darker as we go back" just seems sort of cliché.
    I do love the second line. Just a great memory for elapsing time. Well, backwards anyways. Maybe you could set the darkness to a metaphor like you did with the memories. That could help, if you found the right one. Otherwise I wouldn't worry too much about it.

    "Wait for a moment let it restart-"

    I like that line as well. Maybe a comma after moment could help with the impact of the line. Just a suggestion.

    Now you jump into this second half rather quickly, but that is also okay. It's like setting up the epic scene.

    "Here I once stood; before God I prayed
    Subtle whispers- Soft thunder of the heart"

    Subtle, nothing too fierce just yet, a good build up.

    "Through my tongue twisted of contrition
    I cried; screamed- A hark!"

    Ah, there it is. The pain of prayer and religion haha. I really like the use of "A-hark"
    and then later "A-spark"

    "I saw no sign... perhaps delayed"

    And there we have questioning. Doubt. Always a must in religious pieces. Whether they are praise pieces or heretic pieces, there should always be doubt.

    "A man fell to his kness-ruthelessly in pain"

    I feel a forced prayer position kind of imagery there.

    Overall, this is a good poem. Not many people's cup of tea, but a good poem nonetheless.

    I would work on that transition a little more without adding too much un-needed information or imagery.

    Good start.

    Matt
    | Posted on 2011-09-09 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    192420

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Chapter written by Crestfallenman
    Untitled: June 24, 2018 written by homeless
    Forget written by Crestfallenman
    Collision written by rev.jpfadeproof
    The Phoenetians and Us written by Torie
    Eyes written by homeless
    I Believed written by homeless
    Outside the Chain written by Wolfwatching
    Starry night written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Dreamt written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Chèvrefeuille written by rev.jpfadeproof
    burning confusion written by cornonthekob
    Two written by homeless
    Blinded by Sight written by Torie
    Shading written by saartha
    X written by homeless
    April 1, 2018 written by homeless
    Still written by rev.jpfadeproof
    trish trillion written by Daniel Barlow
    The Forgotten Umbrella written by garnet4david
    Un Lugar Para Siempre written by SavedDragon
    Post Naturalism written by cornonthekob
    Confessions and shit... written by Daniel Barlow
    Just a fantasy written by TiaanK
    No More Damn Love Poems written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Summer of Peaches written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Would You... written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Untitled - 12/12/2017 written by homeless
    Hazy Half-Moon written by rev.jpfadeproof
    I Wonder If written by Wolfwatching

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry