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    dots Submission Name: His Name Is No More (Reworking)dots

    Author: HisNameIsNoMore
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    3.09 - 75/182/213
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 663
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 730

       Not finished, input is welcomed.

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    dotsHis Name Is No More (Reworking)dots

    Betrayal is a good place if any to start-
    So long ago; darker as we go back
    Smearing memories like an oily haze
    Hands against glass block the part-
    The eyes behold nothing but haze
    Wait for a moment let it restart-

    Here I once stood; before God I prayed
    Subtle whispers- Soft thunder of the heart
    Through my tongue twisted of contrition
    I cried; screamed- A hark!
    Mind deranged; I saw no sign... perhaps delayed
    Silence spoke in rejection
    Cold, the wind jolted- A spark!
    Strong armed, a man fell to his knees
    Ruthlessly in pain God spoke of his volition
    Cascading the Sun melted away
    Burdened; turmoil and pain

    Submitted on 2011-09-07 14:17:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      "Betrayal is a good place if any to start-"

    That's a good start in itself. Invites the reader into this poem like a story. I always liked that.

    "So long ago; darker as we go back
    Smearing memories like an oily haze"

    The first line didn't hit so well. "darker as we go back" just seems sort of cliché.
    I do love the second line. Just a great memory for elapsing time. Well, backwards anyways. Maybe you could set the darkness to a metaphor like you did with the memories. That could help, if you found the right one. Otherwise I wouldn't worry too much about it.

    "Wait for a moment let it restart-"

    I like that line as well. Maybe a comma after moment could help with the impact of the line. Just a suggestion.

    Now you jump into this second half rather quickly, but that is also okay. It's like setting up the epic scene.

    "Here I once stood; before God I prayed
    Subtle whispers- Soft thunder of the heart"

    Subtle, nothing too fierce just yet, a good build up.

    "Through my tongue twisted of contrition
    I cried; screamed- A hark!"

    Ah, there it is. The pain of prayer and religion haha. I really like the use of "A-hark"
    and then later "A-spark"

    "I saw no sign... perhaps delayed"

    And there we have questioning. Doubt. Always a must in religious pieces. Whether they are praise pieces or heretic pieces, there should always be doubt.

    "A man fell to his kness-ruthelessly in pain"

    I feel a forced prayer position kind of imagery there.

    Overall, this is a good poem. Not many people's cup of tea, but a good poem nonetheless.

    I would work on that transition a little more without adding too much un-needed information or imagery.

    Good start.

    | Posted on 2011-09-09 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]

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