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    dots Submission Name: Vernal Enddots

    Author: KimmyMim
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 223/303/117
    Words: 59
    Class/Type: Prose/
    Total Views: 571
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 470


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsVernal Enddots

    There he was, adorned
    with flowers and an over-loved,
    half-stuffed bear.

    Tucked beneath his tiny arm,
    a tattered, white blanket
    filled with faded hugs.

    A super hero, with a crooked,
    half-painted smile, posed
    and placed purposely
    between his little body
    and the pure white

    linen sheet

    that lined

    his new


    Submitted on 2011-09-15 23:06:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||

    I figured I would return the favor - So I'll start with your featured piece.

    I'm a very sentimental person. I for some reason or another attach a lot of meaning to childhood items most people would throw away. I'm not a hoarder by any means, but if you were to look at my shelves, they are lined with everything from small stuffed animals and action figures to trophies from pee wee baseball and award ribbons. I'm not sure why I keep them, they just feel important.

    The Egyptians would send their dead off to the afterlife with all their belongings, or at least the ones that meant something. A stuffed bear, a blanket, and a super hero. What could be more important to a little boy? What or who else would he choose to keep him safe in the great beyond? - Maybe mom and dad, but unfortunately his playmates will have to do for now.

    I thought your word choice was excellent, as well as how you broke it up. My only critique is that it doesn't feel complete. To me it seems like a fragment of something much larger. There is no emotion, just simple observation and detail - Gorgeous, tragic observation, but observation alone nevertheless. What do you think?

    The last word "home" is a deeply personal word - It conveys a sense of acceptance. Nothing is taking this boy, and he isn't lost to anyone. He is going somewhere else and the narrator accepts this.

    This is a great poem-

    | Posted on 2011-12-02 00:00:00 | by Scrumpy | [ Reply to This ]
      this is something very powerful here. i find a very healthy perception at the end which i hope doesn't go un noticed in that you are able to say that it is a new home. and i'm not trying to discredit the sorrow in the piece whether it be personal or written to describe something outside of yourself or personal, i think you ended it in a very good manner.
    | Posted on 2011-09-17 00:00:00 | by cornonthekob | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, this is sad. truly sad.

    i can say i have been fortunate enough to have never had a child i know die. i can't imagine it. not one bit. nope.

    it's the momentos that are killers here. those things that children carry around with such importance.

    this hurts. in ways that it should hurt or touch someone with any heart at all.
    | Posted on 2011-09-16 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]
      I started reading this, not knowing what to expect, thia piece touched me deeply. You have a good descriptive energy here and the words unfold powerfully to leave one shaking on at least a few levels.

    chilling write.
    | Posted on 2011-09-16 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      god, this just tore me up...

    where it starts is not what is expected as to where it goes and where it ends...

    the way you did the last four lines really worked...

    like emily dickinson's "i felt a funeral in my brain"

    "a plank in reason broke/
    and i dropped down and down/
    and hit a world with every plunge/
    and finished knowing then"

    what a powerful write...

    | Posted on 2011-09-15 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

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