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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My One and Only dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: YoungKaizen
    ASL Info:    25/M/Brooklyn,NYC
    Elite Ratio:    1.26 - 4/6/19
    Words: 89
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 693
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 534



    Description:
       These are some lyrics from a song I wrote.. hope you enjoy


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy One and Only dots
    -------------------------------------------




    if love hurts I'm immune to it's pain

    because everyday with you is sunny with no rain

    you the only one that helped me maintain

    kept me on track even when I couldn't afford the train

    on my top spot you'll remain

    you my Novocain

    stressful nights your love is Advil to my brain

    even though at times it seem like I'm being vain

    with out you in my life I'll go insane




    Submitted on 2011-09-18 11:46:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      thank you very much for the advice I will most definitely take it into consideration next time... :-)
    | Posted on 2011-09-23 00:00:00 | by YoungKaizen | [ Reply to This ]
      The rhyme scheme here is too simplistic. Really.

    For a song? Hmm....I'm not so sure either. I'm not trying to bash you or anything, there is some potentical in this, trust me. Try not to stick to simple rhymes, be creative with your writing. Work wonders with words, don't create flat sentences with similar endings. Songs, poems, all that, are windows to a world. It's suppose to show US what's in your heart, what you feel, what inspires you.

    I hope your writing grows. ;
    | Posted on 2011-09-19 00:00:00 | by Dark Dann | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
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