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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Willow dustdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 51
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 474
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 328



    Description:
       Trying some shorter works out for size..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWillow dustdots
    -------------------------------------------




    Day calls

    and I have to rip my eyelids from the castle
    of visceral smiles left echoing in your wake

    and madness wrenches

    a knowing of God to spill over my pitted existence,
    polishing the marble I carry to your perfect haven

    when we sleep.




    Submitted on 2011-09-20 03:20:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Shawn...i like shorter...leaves more to the imagination...

    this piece is like daybreak...

    but one suggestion...i like the castle idea...and the double meaning of wake...

    but would like to see in the middle with the madness...a reference either to "sand" linking back to the castle..or maybe "moat"

    it would carry the image farther in the poem

    give it symmetry...

    just a thought..

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-09-20 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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