[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Until Death Blackens My Eyesdots

    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 52
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 666
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 328

       I accidentally deleted this. I changed a word.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUntil Death Blackens My Eyesdots

    You're as beautiful as any woman
    as graceful as any gazelle.
    Your walk is like a ballet:
    I never tire of your face.
    I could look at you
    until death blackens my eyes
    and never grow tired,
    and I always feel naked and cold
    when I'm not in your arms.

    Submitted on 2004-07-30 19:25:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Until death blackens your eyes? That's just disgusting. Shriveled eye-balls are not romantic. England is making you morbid. Come back home, Amy, come back home to South Carolina. We have good beaches and cheap golf, and goo weather.
    | Posted on 2004-08-02 00:00:00 | by Black Rock Tractor | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes, this is so much better without the one word "but." I love the idea of this poem. To love someone so much that they facinate and hold us mesmerized. Even unto death we would never tire of seeing them. Grace, beauty are offered in stark contrast to nakedness and death. That makes the whole poem come to life.

    P.S. I don't think it makes much difference but I noticed that you used "tire" and "tired" in the same piece.
    | Posted on 2004-07-31 00:00:00 | by angela~ | [ Reply to This ]
      how wildly romantic! (its like 3am and i havent slept for a long time...) but then... as beautiful as ANY woman... its kinda not reals heaps special... ya know? i mean it fully is but then... you know? anyways... naked and cold when not in the arms... nice line but pretty dependant (anyways... remember the 3am thing... im sorry if ive just killed any sentiment in this write for you... fully not on purpose!)
    | Posted on 2004-07-31 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I still like it and still think it's very well written. I know which word you changed but I would still prefer something like 'because' but that's just me. or you could take joey's suggestion and just leave it out. anyway good piece.
    | Posted on 2004-07-31 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      Good piece, nice contrast of imagery. Only one minor suggestion:

    And I always feel naked and cold DELETE ANDWhen I'm not in your arms DELETE IM
    Feel free to take it or leave it.
    Have a safe flight home :-)
    | Posted on 2004-07-31 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      The only thing that mars the experience slightly is the fact that I do not understand the title and the corresponding line (how does death BLACKEN your eyes?) Sorry if this sounds daft, but I really cannot figure that out.
    | Posted on 2004-07-31 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Dream written by closetpoet
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]