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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Until Death Blackens My Eyesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 52
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 678
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 328



    Description:
       I accidentally deleted this. I changed a word.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUntil Death Blackens My Eyesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You're as beautiful as any woman
    as graceful as any gazelle.
    Your walk is like a ballet:
    I never tire of your face.
    I could look at you
    until death blackens my eyes
    and never grow tired,
    and I always feel naked and cold
    when I'm not in your arms.





    Submitted on 2004-07-30 19:25:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Until death blackens your eyes? That's just disgusting. Shriveled eye-balls are not romantic. England is making you morbid. Come back home, Amy, come back home to South Carolina. We have good beaches and cheap golf, and goo weather.
    | Posted on 2004-08-02 00:00:00 | by Black Rock Tractor | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes, this is so much better without the one word "but." I love the idea of this poem. To love someone so much that they facinate and hold us mesmerized. Even unto death we would never tire of seeing them. Grace, beauty are offered in stark contrast to nakedness and death. That makes the whole poem come to life.

    P.S. I don't think it makes much difference but I noticed that you used "tire" and "tired" in the same piece.
    | Posted on 2004-07-31 00:00:00 | by angela~ | [ Reply to This ]
      how wildly romantic! (its like 3am and i havent slept for a long time...) but then... as beautiful as ANY woman... its kinda not reals heaps special... ya know? i mean it fully is but then... you know? anyways... naked and cold when not in the arms... nice line but pretty dependant (anyways... remember the 3am thing... im sorry if ive just killed any sentiment in this write for you... fully not on purpose!)
    | Posted on 2004-07-31 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I still like it and still think it's very well written. I know which word you changed but I would still prefer something like 'because' but that's just me. or you could take joey's suggestion and just leave it out. anyway good piece.
    | Posted on 2004-07-31 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      Good piece, nice contrast of imagery. Only one minor suggestion:

    And I always feel naked and cold – DELETE ‘AND’When I'm not in your arms – DELETE ‘I’M’
    Feel free to take it or leave it.
    Have a safe flight home :-)
    | Posted on 2004-07-31 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      The only thing that mars the experience slightly is the fact that I do not understand the title and the corresponding line (how does death BLACKEN your eyes?) Sorry if this sounds daft, but I really cannot figure that out.
    | Posted on 2004-07-31 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]


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