Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Until Death Blackens My Eyesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 52
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 701
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 328



    Description:
       I accidentally deleted this. I changed a word.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUntil Death Blackens My Eyesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You're as beautiful as any woman
    as graceful as any gazelle.
    Your walk is like a ballet:
    I never tire of your face.
    I could look at you
    until death blackens my eyes
    and never grow tired,
    and I always feel naked and cold
    when I'm not in your arms.





    Submitted on 2004-07-30 19:25:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Until death blackens your eyes? That's just disgusting. Shriveled eye-balls are not romantic. England is making you morbid. Come back home, Amy, come back home to South Carolina. We have good beaches and cheap golf, and goo weather.
    | Posted on 2004-08-02 00:00:00 | by Black Rock Tractor | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes, this is so much better without the one word "but." I love the idea of this poem. To love someone so much that they facinate and hold us mesmerized. Even unto death we would never tire of seeing them. Grace, beauty are offered in stark contrast to nakedness and death. That makes the whole poem come to life.

    P.S. I don't think it makes much difference but I noticed that you used "tire" and "tired" in the same piece.
    | Posted on 2004-07-31 00:00:00 | by angela~ | [ Reply to This ]
      how wildly romantic! (its like 3am and i havent slept for a long time...) but then... as beautiful as ANY woman... its kinda not reals heaps special... ya know? i mean it fully is but then... you know? anyways... naked and cold when not in the arms... nice line but pretty dependant (anyways... remember the 3am thing... im sorry if ive just killed any sentiment in this write for you... fully not on purpose!)
    | Posted on 2004-07-31 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I still like it and still think it's very well written. I know which word you changed but I would still prefer something like 'because' but that's just me. or you could take joey's suggestion and just leave it out. anyway good piece.
    | Posted on 2004-07-31 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      Good piece, nice contrast of imagery. Only one minor suggestion:

    And I always feel naked and cold – DELETE ‘AND’When I'm not in your arms – DELETE ‘I’M’
    Feel free to take it or leave it.
    Have a safe flight home :-)
    | Posted on 2004-07-31 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      The only thing that mars the experience slightly is the fact that I do not understand the title and the corresponding line (how does death BLACKEN your eyes?) Sorry if this sounds daft, but I really cannot figure that out.
    | Posted on 2004-07-31 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    19259

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Giving written by jjd
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Incubus written by monad
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    The Promise written by annie0888
    untitled written by Chelebel
    This written by Chelebel
    To written by SavedDragon
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Bond written by saartha
    Linger written by saartha
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry