Description: I accidentally deleted this. I changed a word.
Until Death Blackens My Eyes -------------------------------------------
You're as beautiful as any woman
as graceful as any gazelle.
Your walk is like a ballet:
I never tire of your face.
I could look at you
until death blackens my eyes
and never grow tired,
and I always feel naked and cold
when I'm not in your arms.
Until death blackens your eyes? That's just disgusting. Shriveled eye-balls are not romantic. England is making you morbid. Come back home, Amy, come back home to South Carolina. We have good beaches and cheap golf, and goo weather.
Yes, this is so much better without the one word "but." I love the idea of this poem. To love someone so much that they facinate and hold us mesmerized. Even unto death we would never tire of seeing them. Grace, beauty are offered in stark contrast to nakedness and death. That makes the whole poem come to life.
P.S. I don't think it makes much difference but I noticed that you used "tire" and "tired" in the same piece.
how wildly romantic! (its like 3am and i havent slept for a long time...) but then... as beautiful as ANY woman... its kinda not reals heaps special... ya know? i mean it fully is but then... you know? anyways... naked and cold when not in the arms... nice line but pretty dependant (anyways... remember the 3am thing... im sorry if ive just killed any sentiment in this write for you... fully not on purpose!)
I still like it and still think it's very well written. I know which word you changed but I would still prefer something like 'because' but that's just me. or you could take joey's suggestion and just leave it out. anyway good piece.
The only thing that mars the experience slightly is the fact that I do not understand the title and the corresponding line (how does death BLACKEN your eyes?) Sorry if this sounds daft, but I really cannot figure that out.