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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Disowndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.07 - 230/383/131
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1135
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 786



    Description:
       This is a bit of a meme poem--there is a trend going around on a different site where each section begins with 'and it broke my heart,' but the rest of the poem is completely open. Others following this theme can be seen here: http://vespera.deviantart.com/art/it-broke-my-heart-so-251084147


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDisowndots
    -------------------------------------------


    And it broke my heart but I
    killed every trembling thing. The yearning
    spaces subsided, they were reddened, they
    were convinced to stillness.

    And it broke my heart but God
    became God-in-exile, became
    yearning spaces. I buried my demons
    with a knife, and left them to it. Exile
    was the new love, it was a barren land,
    it took no prisoners.

    And it broke my heart but the pieces
    hardened, they were as clockworks,
    they counted down the hours. I was
    waiting, my body was a sharp plane,
    a border, I was waiting, everything

    had already happened, I had killed it,
    it drifted through the motionless diaspora,
    the hours turned on me and they had teeth.




    Submitted on 2011-09-22 12:21:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I haven't checked the site in a while...am I ever glad I stopped by your page. I always look forward to a new piece from you.

    "the hours turned on me and they had teeth"

    That final line is sooooo powerful, it just, well, gnaws on you (pardon the pun). I know that the 'and it broke my heart' thing was the centrepiece, and I loved every line of this, but the very last one just blew me away. It sums up the whole piece rather well, actually; it also sums up how I feel every day of my life. I relate well to the hurt in it, and thus this piece means a lot to me.

    Adding this to my favourites /now/.
    | Posted on 2011-10-20 00:00:00 | by AsiaticFox | [ Reply to This ]
      
    I'm always excited to see you post. I know that I am in for something unique & good - as well as somewhat rare, since you don't post very often.

    What I immediately like & was struck by is that the refrain is rather ordinary, cliché though not enough to undermine the earnestness of the intent behind such a phrase. But in being rather commonplace, it allows for whatever is next to really stand up and speak, which then reflects back on that line and makes it altogether extraordinary. What I'm saying is that I like the affect this produces, & how it opens up the poem to any number of possibilities & directions to go in.

    The landscape of this poem is very harsh, brutal in some place, but there is something of a relinquishing in it. Not giving up necessarily, but perhaps realizing that some things have to be done, & some thing can't be undone. It's startling in that way. Leaves me feeling as though I'm ready to accept an apocalypse and muster up the courage to survive - barely. It has this "despite everything" tone that really carries it well & with impact.

    I love this: "And it broke my heart but God/ become God-in-exile, became/ yearning spaces". You've actually put into words how I often see organized religion: God as a means to fill yearning spaces. It isn't a very affective means of acquiring faith.

    While that is the part that struck me the most, there is also this theme of burying things that won't stay buried, killing things that won't stay dead, & again it's unnerving with an incredibly strong narrative.

    You always surprise me. While I always know that I am in for something well-crafted, I never know what form it is going to take with you & that's wonderful. Truly.
    | Posted on 2011-09-30 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      Remorse and regret are what happen when time decides it's time for you to bleed a bit. Those hardened pieces of a splintered heart probably sliced the place up, too.

    And so it bled, and bled. But I see more than just blood here. I see the haunting beauty hiding in the shadow of regret. I see the introspection of a cloud based deity pondering its decisions. Fucksakes, how pitiful that must be! What a wretch eternity must be! Imagine all the 'told you so' and all the clamoring, gnawing guilt.

    I especially love, saartha, 'I buried my demons with a knife and left them to it'. Buried alive did they die squabbling over a sharpened piece of steel? Oh, such a delicious image. Jagged pieces of a hard heart as a clock! Wonderful! For truly they must have been a sundial, their shadows measured in the weight of remorse.

    And, oh, the burden of being cast out. The sheer exquisite sorrow of the outcast. I cannot praise this enough. This is the kind of piece I read and it makes me want to write better.

    Thank you word-sister. Thanks upon thanks.
    | Posted on 2011-09-27 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]
      i see conscience killing the speaker softly...

    regret for things done...regret for loves that broke her heart...a kind of suicide of emotions...

    and then a space from God...i think many of us go through that...things happen in our lives and we question his existence...

    and so much in life breaks our heart...hours do have sharp teeth...

    but as that one song said.."you bleed just to know you're alive"


    i felt the first two stanzas had a nice thread...with the yearning/reddened thing...which you continue in stanza two...and i love the third stanza but it seems a bit disjointed from the rest of the piece...

    still i found enough to like here...and enough to relate to...

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-09-22 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      Two things that I thought were really strong here...

    The first was "Exile....takes no prisoners"
    I found that to be quite profound. Being exiled is punishment, yet you are not a prisoner. We keep prisoners in jail in order to give them a second chance later...but exile holds no love. Awesome!

    The other thing was "And it broke my heart, but the pieces hardened"
    I just thought that was good phrasing.

    Overall, I didn't enjoy it as much as I wanted to. Mostly because I didn't really click right away. But, regardless of whether not I enjoyed it; I can tell you that it is good.

    Matt
    | Posted on 2011-09-22 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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