[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Ectophiledots

    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 182
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 374
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1190


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I hear insane whales sing of death in dirges.
    It reminds me of my ghostly urges.
    It is fundamental
    and some would say it's just wrong.
    I love the ghost inside her
    but not the body where it belongs.
    She pretends to be an ordinary girl
    as she falls       -up-       into my arms.

    Were I to cut her into pieces
    and boney little bits?
    She would still be a haunt to me
    and that's the size of it.

    One taste of her heavenly form
    is sweeter than black nymphetamine.
    It burns me to glow
    a sickly waxen sheen.
    She makes the worst of my emotions
    a part of our devotions.

    You may believe
    the world is full of hometown hotties
    and every one divine.
    But my little hottie
    is ectoplasmicly

    Scalpel, scalpel shinning bright
    first scalpel you see tonight.
    Makes a grin ear to ear,
    last whisper that you hear?
    I love you dead       my dear.

    Submitted on 2011-09-30 16:01:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Aspiring serial killer? Ghost fucker? Who are you, DaleP, 53?

    I do like these lines:

    I love the ghost inside her
    but not the body where it belongs.
    She pretends to be an ordinary girl
    as she falls -up- into my arms.

    Although, I don't think you need the dashes and the spaces to separate the "up".

    Mostly though. . . I guess I'm just wondering. . . is this all you have? Rage and rage and more rage? And then some need to make the rage seem funny? (that's why there are the lines about the braces and the rhyme scheme, right? Like you're poking fun at what you've written?).

    I think maybe you should dig deeper. Find the fear that causes the rage and write about that. Just being disturbing for the sake of being disturbing makes the disturbingness (???) lose it's edge. At least for me.

    But I'll admit, I have a hard time with your work.

    I want to like it, but I just find it really creepy and a bit predictable. Kind of like a Hollywood horror flick.

    A lot of people love horror flicks, though. Scaring people with blood and guts is a mulit-million dollar industry.

    It's just that I prefer the psychological thrillers myself. If the danger is there because of someone's pain, it has purpose, it is interesting. It can even be accompanied by a little gore and I can sit through it. But when it's just screaming and blood and some stupid chick walking down to the cellar when you know the killer is there. . . . I just don't see the point.

    I also don't care for the photos/artwork with your poems. IMHO they distract from the words, instead of enhancing them. But perhaps the art is your inspiration. I don't know. Do you find the art first or just find something that you think fits the piece afterward? What is your process?

    I just re-read what I've written here and it sounds a bit mean-spirited. That isn't my intention. I just have this suspicion that you have more to say and I'm interested in knowing what that might be.
    | Posted on 2011-09-30 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    To written by SavedDragon
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Push written by JanePlane
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Linger written by saartha
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Wavelength written by saartha
    This written by Chelebel
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Bond written by saartha




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]