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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: If Wishes Was Whiskey dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 365
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 478
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2139



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIf Wishes Was Whiskey dots
    -------------------------------------------




    If wishes was whiskey I might sell
    a couple of barrels and save my life.
    But I donít think selling an ocean
    of whiskey would buy me a big enough
    set of balls to get my butt out of this rut
    I have reached on the remorseless
    highway of life.

    I have so often been kicked in
    the mouth by the jack boot
    of doubt. It is all I can do to keep
    breathing.

    I have been through all of the heartaches
    Pandora pulled with dripping claws
    from her box. I have had the rheumatic
    fever of love served to me both cold
    and at the boiling point of a knife.

    Now I have gone and caught the
    dripping pox of begging for handouts
    from zombies in corporate ties and
    college kids who think It's cool to just
    drop out.

    Well if wishes was whiskey
    maybe I would be just what I am
    old and mean.
    But I really could use a
    bottle of good Jim Beam whiskey
    and a sluttish girl with a warm hart
    and silky thighs would sure help
    mellow me out.

    Well if I canít wish
    for whiskey maybe someone could
    spare a sweet line of coke to numb
    my brain.
    Maybe let me believe for a time
    I can sing like John Coltrane.
    If I fake it good enough this
    time next month I will be sitting
    In first class on an airplane drinking
    champagne with my new wet dream.

    I'll be on the fast train to bright lights,
    fancy cars, cigar bars and money.
    But the only white line I see is by the
    stop sign near the highway.

    I can see it from the underpass
    and I canít even afford cheap grass.
    Well at least I have some bad wine
    an old dog, a can of beans and its
    a hot night. Still the fleas bite but
    I guess if I just scratch a bit itíll be
    alright. The girl would be nice
    better than this ole hound anyway.
    Hey move over dog your drooling.






    Submitted on 2011-09-30 23:40:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      A wise man once told me that most good poetry was about drinking, fighting and women (not necessarily in that order). This pretty much takes in all qualifiers. (And I'll drink to that, o' wise one.)
    | Posted on 2011-11-17 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      This creates an excellent mental picture:) Nice job.
    | Posted on 2011-10-24 00:00:00 | by Undead37 | [ Reply to This ]
      This creates an excellent mental picture:) Nice job.
    | Posted on 2011-10-24 00:00:00 | by Undead37 | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like this very havey speaking of things we all think of all the "should of's would of's could of's" you kept me readin and thats what a good write should do. i still want to be reading more but it must end eventually. this is great hope you keep writing :-)

    Jackz
    | Posted on 2011-10-02 00:00:00 | by jackz | [ Reply to This ]
      These lines are my favorite:

    I'll be on the fast train to bright lights,
    fancy cars, cigar bars and money.
    But the only white line I see is by the
    stop sign near the highway.

    I like this part because it 's where we see the speaker "stopping" himself. He could get in the "fast lane" and take off on some wild ride that would get him whiskey and coke and an easy lay, but he doesn't. Is it because for all his complaining, he sees wishes as being whiskey after all? Too much whiskey and you can get "wasted", just like you waste your life on unsubstantial things if all you do is cling to dreams and fantasies but never make anything of the life you've actually got.

    This poem has a very raw and honest feel to it. I like that aspect of it. But I would like to see it a bit more polished. Maybe if broke all the verses into four lines you added an A,B,C,B type of rhyme scheme to it? Also, if you tightened up some of the thoughts, to make them a bit less conversational and a bit more lyrical it would develop more of a flow.

    One last crit. I'm sure you kept the incorrect grammar of "was" to make some point (maybe to make us feel that the speaker is ignorant in some ways??? I don't know) but to me, like the photo, it just distracts from your work.

    In spite all of that, I liked this piece! It inspired me!

    If wishes were whiskey
    I'd be drunk all the time
    on my own silly dreams of
    what should have been mine
    | Posted on 2011-10-01 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      A very image heavy piece that seems to be slightly bitter on the lives held by those in the modern day, and longings of times gone by and missed opportunities.
    I felt sorry for your character as his wishes for prosperity and love seemed to turn to need, greed and getting that 'sweet release'.
    As the piece continued so did the decline of the characters well being, hope and seemingly love of life. How sorry I felt for this man, the emotions that must flow through his mind, tormenting him. Tormented by age, lonliness, and appetite. The only thing keeping him going is the love and repect from his dog. Mans best friend, keeping him just plugging along.

    If only wishes was whiskey.

    Thanks for contributing.

    master raz
    | Posted on 2011-10-01 00:00:00 | by master raz | [ Reply to This ]


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