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    dots Submission Name: Hidden chestsdots

    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 439
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 851

       Don't know about this one? Just kinda wrote and let it out, no real idea behind this so it might sound a little bit out of sorts?

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHidden chestsdots

    We used to be so small
    in everythings formed
    from infantile lips
    and meager in sanity

    but the sun made us see
    the cracks
    in needful reaches
    and promised things,
    for gotten pains never seem
    to invert their mercurial tendencies
    like changing minds.

    So let us shy away
    from the cork-screws
    in our dreams
    boring us with reality
    on carnivorous repeat
    and the days that couldn't be.

    Realize there is more
    to our blood than bubbles
    and plates lying in wait
    for another serving
    of time,
    more than life-emulsion
    waiting to coagulate
    in hidden chests.

    Speak softly now
    as I kiss your head
    and prepare you for war..


    Submitted on 2011-10-02 16:09:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      hmm. . . I disagree with my fellow critics. I see a cohesiveness here. I think one stanza speaks to and hints at meanings within the next. And I like the last line very much. I liked that it was a shock.

    My favorite lines:

    but the sun made us see
    the cracks
    in needful reaches
    and promised things,

    This, for me, could be the basis of a whole separate poem. But it works within this piece as well.

    To me, the poem seems to be speaking about the power we have as human beings to create change, or at least inspire it--if only we'd stop wasting our time on regret or silly daydreams. We are more than just blood and guts and the inevitably that is death. We are dynamic, rich beings. But we must fight to make our short lives have meaning.

    Of course the poem can also be seen as very tragic, if what the speaker is advocating is actual war. Then yes, our lives will touch others, and change history etc. but what will the legacy be? Terror? Hate?

    Or is there really something so sacred, so much MORE than just being human and being alive that it's worth going to war for?

    I found this to be a great piece because of how much thought it provoked.


    | Posted on 2011-10-09 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      for me, the last line doesn't fit at all with the rest of the poem. it was a shock. also, i don't know if you noticed but the first and second stanzas all have a visible and noticeable space between the first and second words because for the most part you used short, single syllable words. i'd like to see the pattern played throughout the poem, or at least some play with the concept of how it looks on the page.
    | Posted on 2011-10-03 00:00:00 | by lolaxelmo | [ Reply to This ]

    i like the separate stanzas in this...but i want to feel a thread throughout...and i don't ...feels like separate pieces...each which could end up being added to and make a good poem within itself.

    | Posted on 2011-10-02 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

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