Description: Think of it as smut, think of it as whichever you want. But all comments are appreciated, whether you like it or not is your own justification. If you have comments that would help add to it such as word play by all means please let me know, but this came from me reading romantic novels and Zane. If you know Zane then you'll see where this would go...
Touch Me -------------------------------------------
Come away with me...
Mingle your fingers between my thighs
Tell me how sweet my kiss is
Stroke me like an overplayed piano's keys
Come to me...on hands and knees
We can play
Tease me with kisses to my neck
Down my stomach and turn me around
Play with my body as you would an instrument
Place your lips against mine
Kiss me as if I am your breath
Lick every crevice and hidden valley
Crawl between my legs
Come and hunt me with your eyes
Scan me with lust
And insert your thoughts into moisture
Fill me up with your tongue
Come away with me
Bury yourself inside of me
Hit every spot until the lights fade to dark
Watch as moisture stains sheets
hmmm. . . reminds me of a poem I wrote when I was around 19 or 20. It started off:
"Enter, penetrate deep inside
search and roam and find the
innermost part of my soul and satisfy it
then with gentleness,
slip into the depths of my being . . . "
It went on from there. I think there was something about writhing. . . I don't know. I don't remember the rest. Just that the last lines were something like:
"But know, whatever you leave
you take away a piece of me with you . . . "
It felt really sensual at the time, and like I was being clever, but in the end it wasn't all that clever, I don't think. And not really all that sensual.
I agree with what Jacob says, I wanted to like this, and there were glimpses of something here and there (the overplayed piano bit that people keep mentioning is pretty good. . . but I think the part that works is the idea of the speaker being "overplayed" . Like this isn't just some shiny new thing wanting you to tickle her ivories . . . that maybe some of her keys are out of tune. . . ), but it just didn't "get me there".
Unlike Jacob and others, I don't need it to be less graphic, maybe just less obvious. It's like it wants to be something but it's in the middle of being two things. Either, you want to shock and upset us by the baseness of the sexual act, or you want to hint at something yummy and hot, but not nasty.
I say pick one thing or the other. Instead of what you have which is like some version of soft porn. It's kind of boring. We can all imagine sex, but actually "seeing" it is completely different. Go for the jugular, and make it real and raw and meaty.
Or if you don't have the stomach for that, then make sweet love to it. Light candles, play a sexy song, tickle the neck and leave out the implications about the twat. . . . Do you see what I mean? Personally, I might go for the baseness angle. But then . . . if you're going film porn, it's nothing without the "money shot", right? So there you go. I guess for me, I'm just saying, the way it is now, it's missing the "money shot".
Erotic poetry isn't really my thing in the first place, but I agree with jacoberin--needs more show, less tell. Where's the unique imagery? Where's the sensuality? Even your best line--the piano keys bit--is still just an extension of a common romance simile ('play my body like an instrument').
I guess what I really wanted to see was a better example of your own writing style, your own personality. As it is, this is just smut. If that's all you were going for, that's of course fine--I was just hoping for more.
Wow. this is very descriptive, personal and bold. I especially appreciated the imagery surrounding the piano...and the musical instruments. It works. I am out of my comfort zone with the topic, but I applaud your honesty. Your use of language is very effective.