Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Love and Snowdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JanePlane
    ASL Info:    125/F/everyplane
    Elite Ratio:    6.76 - 415/433/130
    Words: 168
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 358
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1156



    Description:
       This is a re-write of a poem I had on here long ago.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLove and Snowdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Love and Snow

    I can see it all in my mind:
    You standing there
    at a phone booth,
    middle of the night,
    outside shaking,
    and dialing.
    No place to go.
    Jumping to keep warm.

    Meantime I'm driving;
    searching my purse
    for the phone
    I can't find in time.
    Picked up too late.

    At home
    covered with blankets
    I shudder for you,
    and the knowledge that
    love and snow
    cover you
    like a blanket.

    One that leaves you
    huddled beneath its scratchy wool
    pacing now,
    then standing as if frozen
    in that place
    where more snowflakes come
    parachuting,
    one at a time,
    like cold soldiers
    stopping on you
    melting. dying.

    When I don't answer,
    when I don't pick up,

    I see it there
    all that snow piled around you,
    pushed up against the rails
    by the side of the road
    looking dirty and crushed.
    And colder still,
    and colder still.




    Submitted on 2011-10-08 03:41:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      What I see in this is what worry and imagination do to you when you're separated from someone you love--you imagine them cold and in need, you think that because the phone rang and you didn't answer it for whatever reason it was them, and you imagine them in terrible conditions that just keep getting worse.

    It takes me back to when my teenagers would be out until all hours of the night--and I would imagine dire things happening when in reality they were having the time of their life. Terrible things can go on in your imagination!

    I could be way off base as to your intentions, but
    there you have them: my thoughts.
    Thanks~Chris

    | Posted on 2011-10-15 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      "Good adding, I'll add, but adding nonetheless."

    lol the things we say by accident are always the best things
    | Posted on 2011-10-11 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]
      ooh love the contrast. Covered in love and snow.
    What does it make me feel? *thinks back to tenth grade* oh you don't want to hear that dribble

    Very clever...snowflakes are cold soldiers...dying. melting, on your skin. The 113th Airborne back in action some 70 years later.

    "At home
    covered with blankets
    I shudder for you,
    and the knowledge that
    love and snow
    cover you
    like a blanket"

    That right there could be the whole poem, the rest is just adding. Good adding, I'll add, but adding nonetheless.

    So much conveyed in so little, it would be. As it stands, damned good poem either way.

    Matt
    | Posted on 2011-10-11 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed it, the whole idea of snow being little soldiers works well with the idea of how certain situations can whittle our strength and leave us cold and alone, good work.
    | Posted on 2011-10-09 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the analogy to how love can strand us in the cold...he is trying to make contact...he is stalled or wrecked in the snowy cold of rejection...and you are thinking about getting back with him...but hesitating...meanwhile the flakes fall, surround him...cover him in memory and frustration...

    "dirty and crushed" yes, crushed.

    really enjoy "like cold soldiers/ stopping on you/melting. dying."

    a few grammatical glitches to be remedied..

    "I can't find in time"
    "huddled beneath its scratchy wool"
    "love and snow/ cover you like a blanket"

    but a super use of snow and cold to indicate unrequited love and a feeling of guilt that might come with not being able to reciprocate.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-10-08 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      Just fantastic! This poem is so easy to follow and understand what the story is about.

    The title is very appropriate for this poem. I liked how you used snowflakes as a metaphor for death.

    I think that this is a very well written poem, overall.


    Thanks for sharing!

    Alex
    | Posted on 2011-10-08 00:00:00 | by xxalpal4everzxx | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    192862

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    The World written by jjd
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Love written by saartha
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    prison written by ShyOne
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry