Dang this was deep girl!!!! I am impressed amazing I loved it writing it all out making it make sense, "as if no one would read it" ... love it!!! then finishing it off with "as if I know you will read it" AMAZING
I guess I'm a jerk in that I'm going to say I think this needs some work [without being overly specific about where].
Generally, I think 1 weakness is that it [the work] seems conscious of the need to rhyme. There is no need. Space can work with rhyme. Rhythm allows you create a sonnet entirely out of blank verse and if it's good enough then the person will not really notice it wasn't a rhyming sonnet. Here, in this poem, I noticed that you wanted to rhyme and I also noticed places where the simpleness of the narrative and or imagery became confused. I think that happened because you where working on rhythm and sound.
See, sound and rhythm can be a problem whether they are your strength or your weakness because sometimes the strength of the sound dilutes or takes away your focus from what you actually want to say.
or this case i'd say, yup, you are reaching for the sound at the expense of what you might say more directly. directly is the thing, whether that is by coming at it in a subtle fashion or just plain old directly, what you want is to get at the problem.
So, take away sound for a moment and I reckon you would phrase this much differently. Composition.
That, these things are not mentioned as negatives, merely as points of focus to aspects you might improve upon. Improvement is good. I want that for all my poems.
What I wouldn't change is the core ideas. I think these are great, they are a perspective and a pretty neat one at that. And, how you closed out the poem by showing the altered state whilst showing that the narrator was aware of it, that's almost as interesting if not more interesting than the original idea.
You saw it this way, you can see you saw it that way, but.
And it makes you think about the adult, supposedly in control - and yet seemingly powerless. Powerless - but with the option for control- seemingly.
So, yes. I go wild to find those kind of dilemmas and that substance in poetry. You may not be sitting on the finished article but yes, this has some lovely bones.
And yup, the ideas of closets being closed as a means to security etc. innocent (lovely). it's a two sided poem where the one thing sort of demands we explore the flip side of that. Excellent.
you could attempt to write very poorly, that's always been my technique. hmm... not the right write for a joke. anyhow. there is a difference, i guess i never picked up on being concerned for peering eyes etc. i just write cuz i think and i like to externalize the thoughts ocassionally. but i've gone through periods here writing to be read and it is completely different. once words have all those laced meanings and secret shutters etc etc, it all kind of makes a different form of sense,
And just one more thing. I feel, sometimes, that if I'm not embarrassed by a work, then it's no good. Know what I mean? Like, if I would be OK showing it to my mom, or anyone for that matter (besides this site of course) then it's probably not personal enough. And if I don't mean it, it's no good.
Just some additional thoughts I had today....still loving this by the way
Hi Jane, just some thoughts. this part is very strong
But words are power tools
for drilling heads and banging men.
Words are enemies and fighter planes
spinning out for dead.
Words are laced with spittle
laced with grey.
The beginning, having read the first version, is too long for me now--I would like to see it condensed and as impactful as the above is.
Your poem made me think--I don't think I've ever been able to write as if no one but me would read it--there's always that sense that someone will be looking over my shoulder, if not now, then somethime...it becomes inhibiting. Anyways, I enjoyed watching this grow.
Hi Jane :) well I had my thoughts all prepared and ready to write, but I've returned to see the poem expanded quite a bit. I liked it the way it was, the message was complete, although I do think I like this ending better. I'll go away again and think some more and then be back.
editing in to say I like the way you've formatted the locks to pick part--it reads better than before~C