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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: amber, ruby, yellow-golddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JanePlane
    ASL Info:    125/F/everyplane
    Elite Ratio:    6.76 - 415/433/130
    Words: 153
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 394
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 958



    Description:
       Should it be "lain" or "laid" here? I should know, but I don't. Grammar check said laid but I thought lain.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsamber, ruby, yellow-golddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I remember my mother often said
    that it's a sin to waste such a day
    like today, when the wind is shaking colors
    from the trees,
    first amber, then ruby then yellow-gold

    And I think now
    are you a sinner?
    Have you forsaken something holy?

    Because you have not laid me down
    under the cool blue sky
    to watch the colors of fall
    dance with the light
    as they move through my long dark hair,
    first amber, then ruby then yellow-gold

    Have you fallen from grace?
    Because you do not take me
    in this field still green
    and move through me
    like the colors move through the trees
    bringing light to my eyes
    first amber, then ruby then yellow-gold

    Or do I sin because I wish for you but I say nothing?

    Is this want
    what it is
    to be without God?





    Submitted on 2011-10-14 16:18:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Jane, I have a feeling of the sensuous and sexual probably because I am not sure who the you is. Love you desire? I like this idea of your desire for your lover to bring out these colors. As for laid, it works in this sense for me. But i also think lain would work too. Do I read too much into this poem? Nonetheless, it works better for me this way than as a poem about the colors of autumn. I do not see poetry as having to abide by grammar conventions. It should be inventive, exploring new use and meaning - Jim
    | Posted on 2011-10-16 00:00:00 | by my shadow | [ Reply to This ]
      Good questions, although from a spiritual analytical standpoint as opposed to the poetical standpoint I'm initially thinking there's a huge stretch comparing what amounts to a little thoughtlessness or perhaps a figurative crime to being in the "sin against something holy" category. But then there's mother's words... she started it. And mother knows best.

    I like the turn around at "Or do I sin..." because it shows someone's thinking, not just blaming. The closing suggests at least to me that perhaps mother once had something that is being missed now. In this setting such a degree of hyperbole is no crime, but does well to show the emotion at work. Nice.
    | Posted on 2011-10-15 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      Effortless as flowing water. Oh, how I envy you your imagery. Reading this poem was like watching dolphins swim in the ocean.
    | Posted on 2011-10-15 00:00:00 | by ruejacobs | [ Reply to This ]
      i wish for you?

    god? a man?

    just an appreciation of a fall day?

    so open...so full of ideas falling from the branches of this poem.

    and is it godless to wish for that which doesn't necessarily relate to him?
    i don't know...if we believe, then we believe he is behind all there is..which includes nature's beauty...and love's passion and contentment---

    so i think lying down together under the falling leaves...

    good idea.

    funny about the "laid" line..even though it is grammatically correct now..i feel like i do with many song lyrics that take poetic license..like Dylan's "lay lady lay" which should be "lie lady Lie" grammatically...but sounds better the way he wrote it..

    sometimes it is good to carry that poetic license...i would almost want "lain" in that line...the correct form draws too much attention in the read..especially reading it out loud..there is that sharp stop at the "d"---

    just thoughts...Jane...

    "me and you and a dog named boo" by lobo...would sound pretty funny "you and i and a dog named boo" so sometimes maybe we should go against the establishment...and go by our own rules...

    i do like this poem...i felt the chilly breeze of october..yet a certain warmth from the feeling of wanting another.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-10-14 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      it has an object so it is "laid"

    have laid

    have lain is the past perfect of lie (no object)

    will be back to comment fully on the piece...i like where you took it...
    | Posted on 2011-10-14 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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