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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: To Whom It May Concerndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Zai
    ASL Info:    24/m/US
    Elite Ratio:    3.97 - 66/145/98
    Words: 117
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 805
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 635



    Description:
       I would be very interested to hear what kind of person you think the narrator is. And also if the structure works.
    I feel this one is unfinished.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTo Whom It May Concerndots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am a theif of confidence to supplement my own.
    Hiding behind foe furs and fake fangs,
    fighting the darkness in this unforgiving home.
    I am not alone.

    I am a key without a lock, in a cell without a door.
    My arms wont open up and my legs wont run away,
    as my voice begins to raise and my control begins to fade.
    I am not aware.

    I am the Pied Piper of mixed meaning keeping truth to his own.
    I have been followed for five miles by my frozen, winded breath,
    with a message in a bottle for someone I've never met.
    I am not available.




    Submitted on 2011-10-16 16:56:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I think the narrator of this piece seems to just be lost, dazed, confused, and has mixed emotions about things. Perhaps he/she is looking for something he/she knows he/she will never find.
    Or maybe its a lust and love situation where one views from afar? Never approaching, but watching and waiting for the perfect time that will never come?
    Oh well. This is just my opinion. I am honestly kind of torn with the complexity of this short and simple work. Keep it up! :)
    | Posted on 2013-11-02 00:00:00 | by Teofila | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this piece, though there is a part that trips me up. It's elusive everytime I try to see where I'm stumbling.

    "My arms wont open up and my legs wont run away"

    Something to do with this line. It may be "wont run away", again I'm not sure.

    The rhyming is a bit askew in places, but the message reminds me almost of an Alice in Wonderland theme. I think that is what draws me in the most.

    "foe furs" do you mean Faux (faux pas)? Or do you mean "Foe" as in "be you foe or friend you fiend".

    I'm intrigued by your subtle meanings of "I am not alone, I am not aware, I am not available".

    I can't get a feeling for the narrator, so I couldn't tell you thoughts on that. The abrupt ending doesn't work to well with this though.

    Ms. Tint

    | Posted on 2012-11-23 00:00:00 | by ARoseyTint | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an interesting piece. I agree it seems to be unfinished.

    I like these lines best:

    I have been followed for five miles by my frozen, winded breath,
    with a message in a bottle for someone I've never met.

    I am not available.

    It felt like a voicemail message at the end, "I'm not (emotionally) available, please leave a message (for someone who gives a damn) at the tone."


    Did you mean foe (enemy) firs or faux (fake) firs?

    I guess either works. I just didn't know if the "foe" you chose was intentional. I feel like I have to know that if I'm going to try and figure out the narrator, though.

    I guess "wont" (accustomed) might be intentional, too, versus you having meant "won't" (will not). But then it seems it should be "My arms are wont to open up." To me this is more interesting than that they just will not open. It implies that the person wants for them to open. The whole second stanza as it stands seems to be a little too predictable for my taste--or at least the first two lines are.

    There are good ideas throughout this though.

    With some work this could be quite good.

    Jane
    | Posted on 2011-10-17 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      the narrator is a user...and is somewhat haunted by this, but not enough to stop doing it...

    he confuses people to gain their trust and take advantage...

    i like the piece but be careful of grammar...too much stoppage took away from the impact..

    "thief"
    "won't"
    "my voice begins to rise"

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-10-16 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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