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    dots Submission Name: Skid Marks dots

    Author: xxalpal4everzxx
    ASL Info:    13/F/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    2.73 - 10/26/19
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 444
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 528


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSkid Marks dots

    Bright satin fire flaming from heaven,
    Mother holds her child as the clock strikes eleven,
    The night sky looks as day so lit up with fire,
    Freedom in itself is all the people desire,
    Men fly away their souls sent to heaven,
    My soldier takes a blow his name was Kevin,
    Blood swallows the streets and evil plunders on,
    It seems as if the world will never see dawn,
    Screams echo in the nerves of the kids,
    Hearts placed on menís shoes and eventually make skids

    Submitted on 2011-10-17 16:11:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i think this is a good poem, but needs refining...get rid of unnecessary wording and it is sharper...for instance:

    "Blood swallows the streets, evil plunders on/ it seems the world will never see dawn"
    "hearts placed on men's shoes eventually make skids"

    | Posted on 2011-10-19 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it, pretty cool stuff you got here, well this is way better than anything I ever wrote when I was your age so yea, I say this is good.
    I especially like the part about the kids nerves, pretty hectic.

    I would say the rhyme sounds a bit forced here and there maybe but it works over all.

    You need a comma here:

    "The night sky looks as day(,) so lit up with fire,"

    I think...

    Also "satin fire",
    I dunno about this.. What do you mean to imply? Soft fire?
    Yet bright, which might suggest it is not soft but hot..

    Small things, you can ultimately ignore all that is said and it will still be a good piece, yet small things sometimes chip away at the greatness factor of how things deliver and make the reader experience things.

    | Posted on 2011-10-18 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]

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