Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I am mass, you are lightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: my shadow
    Elite Ratio:    4.82 - 293/150/48
    Words: 83
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 621
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 516



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI am mass, you are lightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It is as though in passing,
    I am mass, you are light.
    I stand transfixed
    before your Starry Night.

    I am fixed in time
    ever to remain in place
    You are moment by your being
    bringing color to everything

    We seem, we two, so unalike
    so improbable to be together
    Me with my mass
    You with your light

    And yet, we come together
    in the cosmic truth
    that mass and light
    are one





    Submitted on 2011-10-21 05:22:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I don't care about your rhyme structure, to me that part of things works just fine. I like this very much.

    I especially like the second stanza and the lines:

    "You are moment by your being
    bringing color to everything"

    I don't think you need the word "orgasmic" though, in the last stanza. Somehow it simplifies things too much. Or debases it in some way. I am no prude--far from it (read more of my work if you have doubts), but somehow, like I said, for me, "orgasmic" takes away in this instance. It is too telly not showing me enough. Maybe just leave the word out completely. Or maybe relpace it with something like "ethereal" or "explosive" or "heavenly" or I don't know . . . that is up to you. Wait. Not explosive. But anyway . . . maybe I have made sense somehow here.

    Just some thoughts.

    Othewise, this piece seems to me very centered, very real and somehow perfect in its telling of a love story. Simple but wonder-full.

    Jane
    | Posted on 2011-12-02 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      Happy day Jim! Awesome piece! I love the energy and the visuals it provides me. So true - to recognize our true Divine Oneness!

    Great! Poetic Smiles to Share :-)
    | Posted on 2011-10-25 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Like the opposite poles of magnets attract each other so do the opposites of being. Always trying to form a whole - a oneness that makes it balanced. Everything gravitates towards the thing its missing. So is nature, so are people. Inexplicably, we know where we need to be when we need to be and with who. Call it what you will. Call it love, call it passion. We collide because we were always meant to. Everything always lead to that moment. It had to.

    Whether I grasped what you were trying to propose or not, I always appreciate writings that make me think about certain things. The point of perspective is what everyone handles differently when reading poetry.

    Thanks for sharing!
    | Posted on 2011-10-22 00:00:00 | by Porcelaine | [ Reply to This ]
      Very, very nice write! You begin with a great concept and realize with each stanza. The idea that relationships are complementary, each adds something to the other fills in the others "blanks" and of course " opposites attract". It takes the dark to appreciate the light.

    A few thoughts whether you decide to rhyme or not it is best to stay consistent. In addition, if you do rhyme you it flows better if you keep to a format ie.; ABAB, AABB, ETC.
    Your first stanza is ABAB where Bs rhyme.

    Hope this was helpful!

    I really liked this!

    Steve
    | Posted on 2011-10-21 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    193001

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Dirge of Nostalgia written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Blood to Plowshares written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Legends written by poetotoe
    This written by Chelebel
    Lunch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Commencement written by Ramneet
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Saying it to you with some gangsta shit written by Daniel Barlow
    On Top of a Water Wheel written by Wolfwatching
    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    Watch them Die written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Everyone written by poetotoe
    Some of it written by Daniel Barlow
    A Fire! A Knife! A Black Crow Calls! written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Convergence written by HisNameIsNoMore
    an explanation of how i was not good written by Daniel Barlow
    Stance written by Daniel Barlow
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Bam written by Daniel Barlow
    To the Epilogue written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Bam (Awash). written by Daniel Barlow
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Skulls Beyond the Palisade written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Instances written by hyproglo
    Broken Promises written by S.A.M.
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
    On Loop written by Daniel Barlow
    Aftermath and Waltz written by HisNameIsNoMore

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry