This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17. It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different. All content will be deleted. Backup anything important. --- Staff
It is as though in passing,
I am mass, you are light.
I stand transfixed
before your Starry Night.
I am fixed in time
ever to remain in place
You are moment by your being
bringing color to everything
We seem, we two, so unalike
so improbable to be together
Me with my mass
You with your light
And yet, we come together
in the cosmic truth
that mass and light
| I don't care about your rhyme structure, to me that part of things works just fine. I like this very much. |
I especially like the second stanza and the lines:
"You are moment by your being
bringing color to everything"
I don't think you need the word "orgasmic" though, in the last stanza. Somehow it simplifies things too much. Or debases it in some way. I am no prude--far from it (read more of my work if you have doubts), but somehow, like I said, for me, "orgasmic" takes away in this instance. It is too telly not showing me enough. Maybe just leave the word out completely. Or maybe relpace it with something like "ethereal" or "explosive" or "heavenly" or I don't know . . . that is up to you. Wait. Not explosive. But anyway . . . maybe I have made sense somehow here.
Just some thoughts.
Othewise, this piece seems to me very centered, very real and somehow perfect in its telling of a love story. Simple but wonder-full.
|| Posted on 2011-12-02 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ] || Happy day Jim! Awesome piece! I love the energy and the visuals it provides me. So true - to recognize our true Divine Oneness!|
Great! Poetic Smiles to Share :-)
|| Posted on 2011-10-25 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ] || Like the opposite poles of magnets attract each other so do the opposites of being. Always trying to form a whole - a oneness that makes it balanced. Everything gravitates towards the thing its missing. So is nature, so are people. Inexplicably, we know where we need to be when we need to be and with who. Call it what you will. Call it love, call it passion. We collide because we were always meant to. Everything always lead to that moment. It had to. |
Whether I grasped what you were trying to propose or not, I always appreciate writings that make me think about certain things. The point of perspective is what everyone handles differently when reading poetry.
Thanks for sharing!
|| Posted on 2011-10-22 00:00:00 | by Porcelaine | [ Reply to This ] || Very, very nice write! You begin with a great concept and realize with each stanza. The idea that relationships are complementary, each adds something to the other fills in the others "blanks" and of course " opposites attract". It takes the dark to appreciate the light.|
A few thoughts whether you decide to rhyme or not it is best to stay consistent. In addition, if you do rhyme you it flows better if you keep to a format ie.; ABAB, AABB, ETC.
Your first stanza is ABAB where Bs rhyme.
Hope this was helpful!
I really liked this!
|| Posted on 2011-10-21 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ] |