Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I am mass, you are lightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: my shadow
    Elite Ratio:    4.82 - 291/150/48
    Words: 83
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 550
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 516



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI am mass, you are lightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It is as though in passing,
    I am mass, you are light.
    I stand transfixed
    before your Starry Night.

    I am fixed in time
    ever to remain in place
    You are moment by your being
    bringing color to everything

    We seem, we two, so unalike
    so improbable to be together
    Me with my mass
    You with your light

    And yet, we come together
    in the cosmic truth
    that mass and light
    are one





    Submitted on 2011-10-21 05:22:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I don't care about your rhyme structure, to me that part of things works just fine. I like this very much.

    I especially like the second stanza and the lines:

    "You are moment by your being
    bringing color to everything"

    I don't think you need the word "orgasmic" though, in the last stanza. Somehow it simplifies things too much. Or debases it in some way. I am no prude--far from it (read more of my work if you have doubts), but somehow, like I said, for me, "orgasmic" takes away in this instance. It is too telly not showing me enough. Maybe just leave the word out completely. Or maybe relpace it with something like "ethereal" or "explosive" or "heavenly" or I don't know . . . that is up to you. Wait. Not explosive. But anyway . . . maybe I have made sense somehow here.

    Just some thoughts.

    Othewise, this piece seems to me very centered, very real and somehow perfect in its telling of a love story. Simple but wonder-full.

    Jane
    | Posted on 2011-12-02 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      Happy day Jim! Awesome piece! I love the energy and the visuals it provides me. So true - to recognize our true Divine Oneness!

    Great! Poetic Smiles to Share :-)
    | Posted on 2011-10-25 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Like the opposite poles of magnets attract each other so do the opposites of being. Always trying to form a whole - a oneness that makes it balanced. Everything gravitates towards the thing its missing. So is nature, so are people. Inexplicably, we know where we need to be when we need to be and with who. Call it what you will. Call it love, call it passion. We collide because we were always meant to. Everything always lead to that moment. It had to.

    Whether I grasped what you were trying to propose or not, I always appreciate writings that make me think about certain things. The point of perspective is what everyone handles differently when reading poetry.

    Thanks for sharing!
    | Posted on 2011-10-22 00:00:00 | by Porcelaine | [ Reply to This ]
      Very, very nice write! You begin with a great concept and realize with each stanza. The idea that relationships are complementary, each adds something to the other fills in the others "blanks" and of course " opposites attract". It takes the dark to appreciate the light.

    A few thoughts whether you decide to rhyme or not it is best to stay consistent. In addition, if you do rhyme you it flows better if you keep to a format ie.; ABAB, AABB, ETC.
    Your first stanza is ABAB where Bs rhyme.

    Hope this was helpful!

    I really liked this!

    Steve
    | Posted on 2011-10-21 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    193001

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The World written by jjd
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Carry written by saartha
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Cover written by saartha
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Records I written by Raphael
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Shi written by ShyOne
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Dream written by closetpoet

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry