Description: Some said more out there...no hidden plots or soft porn...rough in your face, but with some faint images to make them burn a bit. As it continues....well you will see if you chose to read it. It is not what you would expect...
Jane Doe -------------------------------------------
Flames engulf your thighs
Sweat at your brow
While a volcano errupts inside of you
Hungry eyes search your face
Your face betrays nothing
And you sob a name
One you didn't know before tonight
Tonight...is all that matters
Against your lips your tongue clicks
And the quiet ping of your ring hits your teeth
A welcoming sound to those "hungry eyes"
Fire spreads to engorged zones
Can you burn alive?
Your voice whispers into the face
And your legs are spread wider
A rollercoaster of sensation so deep
You forget where you are, who you are
In these brief seconds, minutes, hours
You are a wild woman
Ass in the air in a precious arch of submission
Your globes slapped and a river runs
Swells build and build within your depths
Molten lava crashing into waves...land
She can see land within her grasp
Building and building
Until the volcano is on the verge of denotation
Sweat dripping onto her back
Her hair wild as rain down her back
Hands pulling her hair
Hands gripping her backside - wild woman
On your knees as an offering
Sweet wet and so tight
Sounds spill into the room
"So good, so good"
Lust fills the air
Her pussy clenches in response
Her face betrays nothing
And she sobs a name
One she didn't know before tonight
Tonight...is all that matters
Is what is heard through the open window
And a neighbor listens intently...
It begins again
Huh. Maybe I was wrong. Or maybe you didn't take it far enough. It just doesn't seem to be much more than the same old same old.
Volcano eruption=orgasm. Not a new image. And while some people might think the girl on girl thing makes it "unique", I don't.
Who cares who made who come? Who cares about a one night stand or some neighbor getting off because of it? Not me. Not if I'm not given a reason to. Not if there isn't some connection to something more important than arched asses in submission.
Why does the "wild woman" submit? Why is that so special, hot, exciting? Like I said with the other piece, we (adults) have had sex. This all may be very exciting and new to you, but there has to be something MORE that you're willing to give than just some tired old metaphors and a peep show.
Also: I don't think you meant "denotation" in stanza 7. Maybe you meant "detonation" but that still isn't what a volcano does. It erupts, which, like I said, isn't a new metaphor for orgasm.
And: It seems like you switched point of view in stanza 8 but in stanza 9, line 4 you say, "On your knees as an offering", instead of "On her knees as an offering".
I'm sorry to be so blunt, and I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I just don't see the value in this as it stands right now.
What is so wild about this "wild woman"? Is this a young girl just finally "coming out" as a lesbian? What's with the ring? Is it a stud on her tongue or lip? Is this supposed to be a symbol of her new found sexual freedom/identity? Is she some formerly uptight married lady who is just finding out how great sex can be with a stranger . . . especially a woman (and her wedding ring is clicking as she rests her hand on her mouth)? Why is she so into "stranger danger"? Why is it just about one night? Whatever the story, I guarantee it is infinitely more interesting than just being "told" she's a wild woman and then being given some (semi) graphic sex scene to look in on.
the worst lines:
"Lust fills the air
Her pussy clenches in response"
Really? Lust fills the air? That's more predictable than the volcano thing. And it doesn't show us anything. It tells.
And the pussy line that follows? Just um, no. "Clenches" doesn't sound sexy or erotic. It sounds like part of a doctor's exam or what people do with their fists, or butt-cheeks. It seems like something to keep something/someone out. Maybe she could "envelope". I don't know. But still, using "pussy" just doesn't work when you're trying to make it all sensual and artsy. It seems like something that you'd find written in a bathroom stall.
That's the problem with a lot of this. The tone is all off. "Flames engulf your thighs" Sounds like a medical emergency/condition, not a sensuous tease to the sex to come. The thing with the globes, and then the thing with " precious arch" (cat-like arch maybe, but precious? Why is it precious? What does that show us?) are both equally as bad. And then there's this thing about " engorged zones" which sounds like something from high school sex-ed class.
"Show don't tell" is writing 101, and next is, "Make us care about the character". Who is Jane Doe? Help us to know her, even if her one night stand doesn't.
Even the worst porn movies pretend to have a plot. Same with "romance novels" and other erotica.
There are maybe two lines in this thing that I would ever be interested in reading again. They are:
"Her hair wild as rain down her back" and
"Can you burn alive?"
The thing is, they're both pretty good lines. That's why I took all this time and wrote all of this. I see the beginnings of something interesting, powerful and fresh in the stuff you write, but it's drowning beneath all this superficial, shallow b.s. right now.
I'll keep reading because I think you can find your way past it.