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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Without Consentdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JanePlane
    ASL Info:    125/F/everyplane
    Elite Ratio:    6.76 - 415/433/130
    Words: 235
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 548
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1588



    Description:
       I know "invasioned" is not a word, but "invasion" or "invaded" both seemed to fall short somehow. Let me know if I should change it though. If it's too distracting . . .


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWithout Consentdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Today is an anniversary

    wood or iron?
    it does not matter
    only that I'm married to it
    like so many unwilling wives

    it was a masquerade
    at a mansion on the bay
    me dressed in costume
    for a date who never came
    was I fairy queen?
    or some kind of angel?
    either way, I was nameless

    and still I flitted about
    with you, bumbling bee
    glittery grimaced
    woozy from the booze

    when he, dressed as
    Kim Jong-il-vampire
    swooped in between us
    all fangs and fake blood
    communist grey

    I whispered to you
    that the look was an improvement
    to his previously peevish face
    you waggled in agreement
    and we flew away fast

    later when you left me
    safe in my bed
    still impersonating pixie
    fairy dust filled my eyes and
    thoughts of Korea's tyrant
    were far from my dreams

    it's hard to express the
    nightmare that followed
    home-invasioned
    I was out of my head
    when he grabbed me
    dictator violent
    ripping at my hair, my seams
    and I tried to scream
    but no sound would come

    there is no word strong enough
    for what he took from me

    but he left

    Halloween soiled sheets

    yellow make-up, fake blood
    an imprint of crushed wings beneath me
    and the strings from my unraveling





    Submitted on 2011-10-26 02:48:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      As I read it the first time I was off guard and so I followed you in I didn't expect to fall on my ass but I was completely surprised by how you turned this around and made it into substance covertly dressed almost like a costume. I like how you throw in imagery in unexpected ways that are very bright and telling. You made me smile with your cleverness. I find the absence of punctuation difficult, but I know that's just me. There was one stanza only were I found it really wanting and I will tell you about that later. For now I just want to talk about how much I like some of these lines.

    Today is an anniversary

    (this proves to be the lynch pin of the poem)

    wood or iron?
    it does not matter
    only that Iím married to it
    like so many unwilling wives

    (those last two lines are understated but perfectly misleading as to what follows and they create this expectation and is then twisted into something else altogether better)

    it was a masquerade
    at a mansion on the bay
    me dressed in costume
    for a date who never came
    was I fairy queen?
    or some kind of angel?
    either way, I was nameless

    and still I flitted about
    with you, bumbling bee
    glittery grimaced
    woozy from the booze

    when he, dressed as
    Kim Jong-il-vampire
    swooped in between us
    all fangs and fake blood
    communist grey

    I whispered to you
    that the look was an improvement
    to his previously peevish face
    you waggled in agreement
    and we flew away fast

    later when you left me
    safe in my bed
    still impersonating pixie
    fairy dust filled my eyes and
    thoughts of Koreaís tyrant
    were far from my dreams

    itís hard to express the
    nightmare that followed
    home-invasioned
    I was out of my head
    when he grabbed me
    dictator violent
    ripping at my hair, my seams
    and I tried to scream
    but no sound would come

    (here is when the magic happens and the connections materialize. "Dictator-Violent" is brilliant so is "my seams" when you connect it with the closing lines. I like "invasioned".)

    there is no word strong enough
    for what he took from me

    but he left

    Halloween soiled sheets

    (this too is understated but great)

    yellow make-up, fake blood
    an imprint of crushed wings beneath me
    and the strings from my unraveling

    (The list is just great writing and when you connect the first lines with the closing lines it all comes together so strongly and it really hurts in a Shakespearean humor and tragedy kind of way)

    So the stanza that was rough for me was this one:


    later when you left me
    safe in my bed
    still impersonating pixie
    fairy dust filled my eyes and
    thoughts of Koreaís tyrant
    were far from my dreams


    I get it but the transition from pixie into the next two lines is a little confusing especially from "pixie fairy dust filled..." I had to read it a few times to smooth it over.


    Great writing,

    M.
    | Posted on 2011-11-04 00:00:00 | by Car va g o | [ Reply to This ]
      Do you ever read comments and just cock your head sideways, or kinda scratch your temple and wonder, WTF? when you expose something on a level that is shaded and obscured but oh-very-see-through, and your reader just glazes over it and picks up all these other subtle things and weaves a piece you never wrote? I just wondered... Sometimes it's amusing, but sometimes it's like they took something else away and because whatever it was that you didn't know you wanted, you didn't get... but the veil was pretty and had sparkles sewn into it, and they liked how it sparkled, they said it was pretty and the sewing techniques were beautiful, and the patterns were just lovely... we won't comment on the ugly burn scars it hides, because that would be impolite after such an effort to detract from them.

    Does that make sense?

    Your veil is pretty... your scars make it all the more beautiful.
    | Posted on 2011-10-28 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      Kim is really short for a vampire, plus the hair doesn't work. Interesting mix up though. Kim reportedly has the world's largest collection of porn, who knows how many women at his disposal, plus he has been known to kidnap from across the border at least one movie star that caught his eye. What's that said about having absolute power? Oh yeah, power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely. That makes for a double bad guy, very scary.

    Who'd have thought of a Kim Jong-il-vampire? I hope N. Korea makes it into the 21st century at some point but their fearless leader isn't exactly suffering from the status quo. Considering how very well both neighbors, S. Korea and China are doing it appears someone is missing the boat, but it isn't Kim so why should he care? Sucking the life out of a whole country!
    | Posted on 2011-10-26 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      Vampires are supposed to be invited in...but not dictator vampires, they go where they please. They suck the blood of their people and leave them dry; unraveled.
    Halloween is fun, but dangerous. Did you know more hook-ups happen on Halloween than any other day? It's because it's dark, people are dressed up, and most are "woozy from the booze."
    Everyone wakes up as if they ate too much chocolate the night before, grabbing their stomach and looking side to side. Not much changes when you stop trick r' treating, huh?

    Tis a fun piece. Very gruesome also.
    The dictator crushed the pixie. There's a lot of symbolism there. I will contemplate on that.

    Matt
    | Posted on 2011-10-26 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]
      Sadly, I can relate to this....

    being crushed, smothered, robbed of something deep within me which had previously defined who I was....

    yes, a "silent scream"....one that only your own soul can hear....

    wonderful imagery in this haunting piece....
    | Posted on 2011-10-26 00:00:00 | by rubie | [ Reply to This ]
      "home invasioned" really fits...

    the unwanted advance---the masquerade...the viciousness behind the facade.

    such negative thoughts associated with halloween...fun for a night...but not if we always wear the mask...and not if we wear the mask to gain illicit entry.

    this is disturbing to say the least...the allusions to dictators, korea, communists...

    the idea of having to accede without consent...

    very sad.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-10-26 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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