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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You Were Gonedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Anneboleyn707
    ASL Info:    18/Female/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    3.96 - 44/84/67
    Words: 260
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 505
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1798



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou Were Gonedots
    -------------------------------------------


    By: Jamie Redlawsk

    By the time the cold months had arrived,
    And the butterflies had stopped their dancing,
    You were gone.
    I stepped to the iron hearth,
    Took in its charcoal taste,
    And bathed in godly heat,
    As the realization of you absence crept downward
    Towards my center,
    Reigning over me in the bitter white air,
    Tearing at my mind until I was overcome,

    Stumbling, I fled from the porch,
    Veered left for the fur trees
    Under awnings of snow,
    I marveled that every last one had resolved,
    To wait out these months and subsequently, to live.

    Had they not whispered such sense to my ears,
    I may have been treading
    Until my boots were soaked through with slush,
    And until days ceased to matter,
    But by this time,
    You were gone,
    Your blonde hair and sunshine were
    Growing dim against the forest night.

    Laughter had faded
    As your guitar had stopped playing,
    I licked cracked lips for some moment,
    Pondered loneliness,
    Pretended crispy icicles would melt to beach sand.

    Still, colder swept the clearing.
    Arms trembling in unison,
    I turned at last to retrace footprints.
    Skin was pale
    No longer kissed
    By lovely summer rays.

    By twilight,
    More snow churned outside,
    Riding the breeze,
    To where the jolly hearth smoldered,
    Twinkling gold against the evening wood,
    Memories of your boyishness mingled
    With pumpkin scents
    Owls pushed southward,
    Always much too high.
    You existed here as quietly,
    Just as suddenly,
    You were gone.




    Submitted on 2011-10-26 12:46:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      "I licked cracked lips for some moment"

    Pure genius! I love that line. If I can give some advice it would be to drop the next line. It kinda expands on this one and I feel it's not necessary. This line has the power to stand on it's own.
    | Posted on 2012-10-10 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      By the time the cold months had arrived,
    And the butterflies had stopped their dancing,
    You were gone.

    Very strong beginning!

    And the lines about the fir trees deciding to live--and thus helping to save you! Fantastic!

    This had tons of wonderful imagery throughout!

    This journey of loss seems to end back at hearth and home. It is sad, yes, but the remembrance is very lovely-sweet.

    I didn't know if owls migrated or not, either, so I looked it up. According to the Columbia Environmental Research Center, "Burrowing Owls Winter in South Texas". Thanks for helping me to learn something new!

    You are an impressive poet!

    Jane
    | Posted on 2011-10-28 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      "memories of your boyishness
    mingled with pumpkin scents"

    one of the many nice images in this...

    nice mixture of warmth and starkly cold description...thoughts of the warm body to be next to during the cold winter months..and then the reality that that body is not there.

    sadness dripping icicle breath.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-10-26 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      Nits
    of you absence
    the fur trees

    raves
    Arms trembling in unison,

    This had a nice feel to it, mood setting kind of thing. I think you could come up with a better title. Do owls migrate?
    | Posted on 2011-10-26 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]


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