This Life I lead by jackz

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Submission Name: This Life I lead dots

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Author:	jackz
ASL Info:	24/F/OH
Elite Ratio:	3.76 - 591/623/381
Words:	225

Class/Type:	Rant/Depressed
Total Views:	750
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1353

Description:

This Life I lead dots

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I wish to believe one day I will not be up late at night
Crying into the darkness
I will no longer feel the pain
That has been brought upon me by another

I wonder when this day will arrive.
How many more years do I get to look forward to nightmares I cannot remember
Yet, I wake others up from?
When will these familiarized tears cease their streams upon my cheeks?

How much longer must I pretend that all is well?
When in reality inside I am dying
Slowly I am due to my own demons
as well as demons other have happily given to me
A good candidate for post-traumatic stress disorder
Just a bunch of words to me
All thrown together to make you believe it is something important

Lonely nights,
Follow me into my dreary days,
My depression poking and picking at me,
No matter the amount of my strength,
No matter my countless efforts,
I cannot get away from it.. the... this darkness calls to me
As does my depression
Without one you would not have the other.
We all come hand in hand

I'm losing the battle all the strength I once had, no longer present
I'm losing this fight..
Only holding on by one hand... And hardly that..

Submitted on 2011-10-27 07:57:28 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
Solitary, alone, trying to fighting the war against sorrow sometimes feels as we have all brought knives to a gun fight; it does go away in time.

Familiarized tears, of what you feel, everything is familiarized. Of what you go through, it repeats. Full circle again.

When does the vicious cycle end, where did it begin???

The hurt seems to make us be misinterpetted,
And oh yeah, some how we can't communicate to anyone.

Helpless, alone, faceing it alone, hard to tell that we can change from this. As we die alone inside. Rotting away to the prison of a very miserable life style.

Jackie, you don't have to feel alone anymore, you don't have to continue to go throughout life stumbling upon questions and questions of why this is happening to you anymore.These issues lie to rest soon, they have too.

I can be by your side through this struggle,
I can help you get through this,
and would be more than happy to be at your side through all of this.

Take care of yourself,
look forward to hearing from you soon.
| Posted on 2012-03-29 00:00:00 | by Crestfallenman | [ Reply to This ]
I have been where you are. It is a very painful place, I know.

One thing I learned to recognize in myself was the phrasing I used to talk about the depression. "My depression" started to remind me of "my baby". It was almost as if it was a living breathing part of me. A heavily weighted thing that I carried around. It was something I created and nurtured and fed. A burden but one that I found myself mournfully caressing at times. . . . .while singing it lullabies (i sad songs, poetry).

I started to understand that I had lived with it for so long, that I didn't know how to live without it. I didn't know how to recognize the happiness and love that was also within me . . . and all around me, too.

My advice to you is not about your writing, it is about your personal safety. It seems from the way you describe your feelings, that you are at a pretty critical juncture right now. I would suggest that you seek some kind of help. A support group, a counselor, a member of your synagogue or clergy or whatever. . . or even a close friend at least to start. Talk to someone who cares so that you can see that you are not really as alone as you think you are. Work on pulling yourself out from underneath this. Maybe even look into medication. It sounds like this has been going on for a while and it is very serious when you get to a point where you feel like you're "losing the fight".

I would also suggest exercise. I know it feels like the last thing you want to do, but it will you to secrete endorphins that will improve your mood, and it may help you to fall asleep easier at night. It really helped me.

I am sorry you're struggling so. Good luck.

Jane
| Posted on 2011-10-27 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.