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    dots Submission Name: Honor System Anxious Sleepingdots

    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 131
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 487
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 843


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    dotsHonor System Anxious Sleepingdots

    A thousand teeth have crumbled and loosely wiggled their way away from the insides of my insides
    always managing to cause me to fret
    as I am sleeping

    I wake up so often in the middle of unconsciousness concentrating very hard on repetitive torture

    the wind has whispered to me
    the sun has rained all over my parade
    the flight of
    the distant future

    programned into my being are a thousand deviants
    dragging my imagination with the momentum of provocative and dangerous
    tall and towering fears
    all remembering what it was like when they found the foundation of
    my soul

    A heart beats and skips a beat and wears itself on its sleeve
    Trying to breathe and find finer things to dwell on

    Submitted on 2011-10-31 13:19:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I agree with Jacob, you have a strong start with original ideas - common phrases like the whispering wind and rain on the parade don't belong with with them. - Jim
    | Posted on 2011-11-01 00:00:00 | by my shadow | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the second stanza and the oxymoron you used there.

    a couple parts, like the ending stanza bothered me a bit...i thought that one could have use fresher language like the rest of the piece...

    the first two stanzas are so impactful and different...then poem loses momentum..

    i would like to see the last two stanzas match the intensity of the first two..

    just thoughts

    | Posted on 2011-10-31 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

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